Moving Skeleton: 50 Pairs of Black Socks

There are two kinds of people in this world; people who pair their socks together and people who let their socks roam free in the drawer. There is also an unusual sub-group of folks who safety pin their socks together before putting them in the washing machine (nerd alert!) but that’s a discussion for another time.

Me? I fall into the non-pairing, free-roaming sock drawer camp. I like to think my socks throw little mixer parties while I am not around–the pantyhose play saxophone while the flannel gray trouser stockings dance the merengue. Pleasant thought. But it only disguises my true hatred: pairing socks.

My housewife skills leave a lot to be desired in the cleaning and cooking departments, but if there is one thing I won’t do, it would be pairing socks.

I hate it.

Many moons ago, my ex and I celebrated our first anniversary.

He gave me jewelry. I gave him fifty pairs of black socks.

Why? He asked.

With delight, I told him, Because I’m tired of pairing your bastard socks together. Now we can throw out your mismatched pairs and you can have one giant drawer of the same type of sock. No matching necessary! See, this way you’ll never have to wake up in the morning and rifle through your drawers yelling WHERE THE HELL IS MY OTHER NAVY BLUE SOCK WITH YELLOW TOE STITCHING because now it’s all the same. Genius right? No need to thank me.

Somewhere in the world, a family therapist is reading this while condescendingly shaking their head.

Nine years later, when we were splitting up possessions, in the middle of a heated argument, right after I threw a crockpot out the window –and no I’m not kidding, and yes it was full of chili– he told me our relationship was doomed because he resented me twice a day, every day for nine years; once in the morning when the socks went on, and once at night when the socks came off. He hated the way the black socks looked, he hated the way they felt, and hated me for forcing him to dispose of his old sock drawer.


Should I have left his sock drawer alone?
Should I have never forced him to wear socks he didn’t like?
Should I have been less lazy and paired his socks together for him?

Answer: I should have let the man do his own damn laundry.

So when I moved out of our home and into this apartment, where I truly started living on my own for the first time in my life, what was the first thing I  bought?

Fifty pairs of black socks.

And I love the sh*t out of them.


  1. Jonesy says

    whoa thats intense! but i know what you mean. i feel the same way about my shoe collection. they are great but if i’m being honest i know half the reason i buy them is to piss him off, lol ;o}

  2. says

    HA I am definitely a non-sock-pairer. Although the safety pin idea is a really good once since socks always seem to dissolve in the washer leaving me with many lonely bastard socks. My husband, however, does pair his so I usually end up stealing a pair of his when I need a nice matching pair of socks. he hates it lol. this is why the whole time I was reading this I was thinking “why doesn’t he pair his own socks??”. My husband does his own laundry because while I love to cook and am mediocre at cleaning, I despise the laundry! I’m actively trying to get him to do mine too but so far have not succeeded. But I think there’s no question as to who will be doing our kids’ laundry one day lol!!

  3. says

    I have visions of the chili-fillled crockpot landing squarely on the neighbour’s head during this heated “debate”… If it did, I’m sure we’ll get the whole story one day soon. And I’ll be right here, reading like a fiend!

  4. says

    Good lord – he was right, but I don’t know if he realized why he was right. Your relationship was doomed because he allowed himself to resent you for black socks for NINE YEARS. Geez, let go & learn to pick your battles. Holding onto something that insignificant is poison for any kind of relationship.

    The ending of this story makes me giggle – good on you!!

  5. Anonymous says

    I’m not alone! yay! I did this same thing with my sock drawer a few years ago, only with white socks. I couldn’t stand pairing them, losing them in the wash, etc. So I threw them all out and bought 3 packs of the same socks. My socks have never been happier.

  6. says

    I try and do the same thing and only buy one brand/style of socks per color, so I can throw them all into one big pile and let him pick what he needs every morning! Unfortunately I have never had the courage to by 50 pairs…. so after a couple of years still end up with a big pile of solo socks. Actually I think this would be a very efficient way to do it financially as well as a big time saver; think how much money you throw away because one of a pair is missing – and about how much time you save not having to search for the other half of a pair!

  7. says

    that’s brilliant, is what it is. my dad puts letters on them in sharpie as he buys them, and i think he might do the letters by the pack, not by the pair, so he always knows which ones “feel” the same. if that even makes sense. i’m all for the fifty pairs. FREE the SOCKS, that’s what i say.

  8. says

    Why 50? That’s a small fortune right there.

  9. says

    I love that everything has purpose and meaning in the world…even socks. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

  10. says

    I think of my sock drawer as less like a party and more like an interdepartmental meeting. Pretty boring, until the underpants show up. But if my socks run away to join your sock party I’ll resent you more than twice a day.

  11. says

    My daughter (22) and I read your blog regularly. I love it. You are sooooo…. hilarious and I can totally enjoy your socks. My husband of only a few years had the same complaint and my offered solution was just what you said you should have done. He does his own. Marital harmony achieved. BTW, we refer to you as the purple dinosaur glitter lady.

  12. says

    Well why didn’t he complain, or at least have a better solution? Good riddance to him. Ann

  13. Sara C. says

    Best. Blog. Ever. I laughed so hard at this. I believe I’m in a sock sub division of my own. I don’t like to pair but I love socks. So I often wear mis matched socks. I’m not worried about it. Love the blog!!

  14. S. says

    Ha! We’re at the 9-year mark now. Just… I didn’t come up with the sock solution but I made him do his own laundry in year two. It’s one of the reasons we’re still married. LOL

    • Anonymous says

      Fellow free socks unite!

  15. Anonymous says

    That made me laugh out loud! Just came accross your blog via pinterest, and that’s my best find of the day!
    Yay girl!


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