Two Words: Frozen Custard.
If you have never tried it, that probably means you are not from the Midwest.
And that means it has to suck to be you right now.
In truth, I believe frozen custard is officially considered a Coney Island export…but I have been to Coney Island twice and never saw the stuff. In Missouri, however, they serve it everywhere but the the bathtub. It’s a regional summertime favorite and the good people of Missouri are kind enough to share the love all over middle America. Why the coasts, Canada and Mexico haven’t caught on, beats me. Poor suckers don’t know what they are missing.
Hear me out. I understand when some regional delicacies fail to gain wide-spread popularity (I’m looking at you, Cincinnati Chili)…but frozen custard is, well, it’s pretty much the best kept secret we have going. It’s like ice cream but better. Thicker. Tangier. Apparently it is also slightly more healthful than regular ice cream, or at least that is what I tell myself when my self-discipline is waning…
You really shouldn’t indulge today – you had salad dressing with lunch and didn’t exercise or walk hardly anywhere at all today.
Then again—you also didn’t take your vitamins this morning and custard rich in nutrients. It’s practically health food!
On the other hand—it’s loaded with sugar and butterfat.
Then again – it’s better to indulge with a small amount of something really wonderful than go home and bury your head in a six-pack box 100 calorie Snackwell cookies that you don’t even like in the first place.
On the other hand….
Oh phuck it already. Quit talking to yourself in the third person and eat the custard.
PS: Did you know frozen custard tastes better on a green spoon?