On January 23rd, the United States Olympic Committee and the Ralph Lauren Corporation unveiled the official Team USA 2014 Winter Olympic uniforms on NBC's Today Show. Reviews have been unkind at best. Criticism directed toward the centerpiece of the outfit, a patchwork all-American made cardigan, has been especially harsh.
Listen. Sit down. I know you have been talking smack about me. Shut up. Did I ask you what you think? I know what you think of me. You think I'm ugly. You think I'm tacky. You think I'm unfashionable. I ignored it for a while because real men don’t acknowledge that kind of garbage but I have to take exception because it’s our country’s honor on the line and that is sacred. Don’t deny it asshole, I know what you said. What was it? Oh, oh yeah, you said I look “like a teacher sweater.” You said "this is what happens when they take the gays out of the Olympics." You said I look like "something my grandma was buried in.” I’ll bet you thought that was funny. Well excuse me dickbag, it sounds to me like your grandma was one lucky broad, because I am Team USA's 2014 Official Winter Olympic Storybook Sweater, the most fearsome thing to tear through Mother Russia since Gorbachev's birthmark.
Okay, I get it. I get it. I know you see me in the spotlight, okay, and you have feelings about that. I mean, I’m there holding up the Olympic torch, running through the streets, people high-fiving me all over the place all winner-winner-chicken-dinner. Next Friday I’ll be there with every member of the Team USA at the opening ceremony, circling the stadium track in a giant parade of champions, looking fine with my matching hat and gloves, singing along to the songs, waving to the millions of spectators, wiping away the tears of mothers whose twenty year dream has finally come true….and there you’ll be at home in your dirty bathrobe eating corn chips and wondering why your mother never put you in bobsledding class.
It’s no wonder you are so bitter.
So, as long as we are setting the story straight, pal, I am not tacky, okay, I am designer. You got that? Designer. Ralph Lauren, okay. No, not Ralph Lauren as is Lauren like your minimum wage babysitter; it’s Lauren like la-wren. Emphasis on wren. It's European, not that you would know, what with your renowned expertise in international fashion. Oh, what's that? You're not a highly celebrated clothing designer? Oh wow, that is funny. The way you were talking smack about my weave weft and wool count I assumed you were some kind of aficionado. My mistake. I'm sorry.
I suppose if things were up to you everyone would be running around in Brooks Brothers, right? Let me guess – navy blue turtlenecks? Some slim-cut trousers? Some red and white striped hats you saw on sale at The Gap? Some rat-face tasteful garbage that nobody will look twice at, right?
You’re like, let these athletes shine on their own merit, and I'm like, let these athletes look like some festive sh*t, this is Russia. Have you seen this place? Have you seen a James Bond movie? These assholes fight dirty. Broken bottles. Molten tar. Bad. Ass. Last year some man-ballerina got so jacked up on competition he threw acid in another man-ballerina’s face. For real, okay. This happens every day in Russia. How are you going take on that kind of crazy? How are you going to get the upper hand? I’ll tell you – Team USA’s best battle tactic is this: Distraction.
I mean seriously. How are they going to look at a giant pack of white people dressed like this and keep their mind on the game.
They can’t. That reaction you just had...that momentary loss of sight – that is the competitive edge we need.
So here we are, my friend. Now you know. No hard feelings about before, you can't help that nobody told you about me. Moving forward you understand – I am not a sweater, okay, I am a battle strategy. I am the difference between winning and losing. I am what's keeping the cold war cold. I am everything you hate. Everything you fear. I am your Talbotts catalog nightmare. And if I catch you talking crap about me again one more time I will come back after my 16 days of glory and I will haunt your waking dreams. I promise you this, every rat-face son of a bitch will be wearing me until Mother’s Day. Why? Because I can. I am Team USA's 2014 Official Winter Olympic Storybook Sweater. Don't mess with me.
Now hurry up and go get your rainbow ring mittens, we got ass to kick.