Five people I know posted this on Facebook today, and another couple emailed it to me here. I think that says a lot. Not about Dustin Hoffman, but what he has to say. Here he is talking about taking the role of Tootsie in 1982, a film in which he plays a woman.
Let’s talk about this.
*insert five paragraphs about the feminist uprising*
Well, now that I got that off my chest, I want to make three points.
1. Dustin Hoffman is awesome. We all knew that already though, right?
2. Harsh truth that needs to be said: If Dustin Hoffman was not the one saying this, and it was a woman saying this, would anyone pay attention? No. Probably not. And that, THAT right there, says everything about the time we live in.
3. Dustin Hoffman, without trying, explained something that I have wanted to say on this blog for a long time. Ahem…
People ask me why I don’t include many pictures of myself on this blog very often. Or why I don’t do videos or fashion posts or What I Wore Wednesday, etc. I could say it’s because I hate to look at myself in pictures – all I see are the flaws. I could say it’s because I don’t think I look all that nice. I could say it was because I was raised by staunch Midwesterners who looked upon even occasional self portraiture as vain and unnecessary. I could say it’s because it’s hard enough to take pictures of glue guns and pom-poms, much less a human being, much less myself. But all of that is crap.
Here is the truth: I don’t want that pressure.
It puts pressure on me to worry about my appearance – something I weirdly appreciate in others but detest in myself. It also puts pressure on you to make assumptions about me based on what you see. That is why the internet is awesome – we get the opportunity to get to know others personalities without the burden of seeing each of our physical appearances. Imagine that! That is what Dustin Hoffman was talking about there. Sometimes I wonder if that is how most men operate in the first place, but that is a larger, messier discussion for another time.
My point is, as is, I can write a post about whatever I want and never have to worry about my fat butt, or my crooked teeth, or if my dress looks sloppy today…you can’t see it, so you don’t give a crap, and by that logic, neither do I. Wahoo!
Likewise, on my end, you, you can leave a comment in your pajamas, three weeks past-due for an upper lip waxing and guess what? I WILL NEVER KNOW. These things will never prevent either one of us from saying what we want to say, whereas, in real life, that just isn’t the case. At all. There is no pressure to keep up appearances when you never let your appearance play a role in the first place. It would be awesome to arrive at a point in life when neither one of us would ever feel those obligations, but until we are there, I’m happy where I am – behind the camera.
So yeah. That’s what I wanted to say about that.
Now, let’s go rent Tootsie.
LATER UPDATED PS FOR MY FELLOW BLOGGERS: What I just wrote above does not apply to you. Just because I am neurotic about this subject does not mean anyone expects you to be (including me). In addition to being generally awesome and fun, including pictures of yourself is a great way to build connection with your audience, and I would not begrudge that of anyone. You do you! Yay for bloggers!
I get what you are saying but I wish you did not feel pressure to keep up appearances. I would like you no matter what you look like. You are awesome!
Thanks Sam, you are really sweet 🙂 I like you already.
Since you don’t post pictures of yourself, I just assume that you look like me . You know, cause’ I am always trying to be crafty like you.
I think a point that Hoffman is making is some of those tears are for himself – for missing out on talking to so many wonderful women because he didn’t feel sexually attracted to them.
This is interesting especially because I was just listening to an NPR interview with him over the weekend and he was talking about his early days in Hollywood being typecast as an “ugly character actor” (his words)…and had he never been cast in The Graduate, he never would have ever gotten a leading role because of his height/face/nose/name/blah/blah/blah. I have always thought he was hansom…..I guess it goes to show that perception is far more powerful than we give him credit.
This just reinforces why I love you. Keep up the great writing, great crafts, and great thoughts — no matter what you look like.
🙂
I’m about 14 years past due for my upper lip wax (last time I tried at the behest of my mother and has a horrible bright red mustache for a week that hurt like the bejeebez). I started embracing my “irregularities” in my early 20’s, my sister and I (I’m truly embarrassed to say) were talking about whether or not this friend was “cute”. I had never thought of her as attractive because of her terrible acne – and my sweet sister really believed that was one of the things that made her more beautiful, it made her unique and if she owned the acne (instead of caking on makeup over it) then maybe she was more beautiful than the splotches on her face.
I recently went to see a Frida Kahlo exhibit – man did she rock beauty!! I have never been more proud of my little mustache 🙂
Thanks for sharing Dustin with us. Dustin really gets it. Beauty that is defined by movies and media should not be our measure. Women should not be defined hair color, shape nor size. There are so many brilliant, talent and wonderful interesting women and men that get passed up because we have been brainwashed. Aunt Peaches, you are beautiful. I do not have to see your picture to know that. You share your thoughts and ideas and talents that I find most interesting. Love your style. I know that you are beautiful.I am in my senior years, losing the ‘looks’. It does not bother me, because I know who I am.
I think we are talking about two different things. Dustin Hoffman was reflecting on his own vanity in regards to women. The second thing about being a blogger is more about how much of yourself you want to reveal. If you think people will like you or not like you based on how you look (and that will impact the number of people who visit your blog) I can understand how you would want to keep that secret, but I can also see how much of your audience you are dismissing based on their ability (or lack of ability) to see beyond your exterior. People deserve more credit than that.
I can’t say I agree or disagree about Hoffman — what he said about women remains the same, and I’m glad he said it!
I do want to make one point though that didn’t make it in the post that you tapped here. Interestingly, I have seen numerous ‘blog authorities’ that have concluded that websites featuring the author’s picture on the home page sidebar have much higher #’s (it builds connection and context, which builds an increased return rate). Same with blogs that feature full names, faces, and personal life stuff. People feel connected, including me (yes, I read blogs too). I forgo this option on purpose, not because I’m some martyr, but because it’s important for me to keep something private. Why? Because, in keeping some basic stuff to myself, it’s easier for me to be upfront about other things that most bloggers might shy away from. It’s not unlike leaving an anonymous comment — that anonymity allows people to feel liberated to say things to someone that they would never say in person (not specifically you, Anonymous, I’m just saying there is a reason why 99% of blog mean comments are left anonymously).
Well, we all assume you don’t want a full photo of yourself because you have congenital sprinkles (jimmies in New England, hundreds and thousands in England?) on your peaches and cream complexion. Also, you might feel self conscious about your Red Hair. Right?
Oh, I feel so much better about my dislike of putting a lot of pictures of myself on my blog. Your is the best reason I’ve ever heard not to :). Plus, since you have made the conscious decision (too late for me) you have a rad element of mystique. Everybody loves mystique.
If it doesn’t bother you to take pics, keep doing it! I think readers love to see who is writing. I didn’t mean to project my thinking onto anyone, I was just trying to take advantage of Dustin Hoffman explaining something far more articulate than I ever could. Sometimes I worry people think I must have a horn in my head.
*Not that a horn in the head would be bad. A unicorn horn could be rad, obviously.
Hmm. Interesting Peaches. Having chosen to appear on my own blog on occasion, I guess I must, somewhere deep down inside, disagree with you. Actions speak louder than words and all that. I wonder about doing it. Which is why you don’t see me on my blog very often. I question my motivation for appearing there. But I think the reason I have done it, is to connect on another level with my reader. Not just through words but through pictures as well. I’m no beauty. And I have no illusions about being one or being seen as one. It’s just me. Part of me is this physical creature, fortunately or unfortunately. That is my God-given face and body you see. And I’m okay with sharing it sometimes. People will judge me based on it I guess. But people will do what people will do. I can’t control them. I can only control me.
What am I trying to say?….
Ultimately, this is your blog and you can do whatever the heck you want with it! So go to it! You’re wonderful, seen or not seen!
1. I have to disagree — you are a beauty. Inside and out. It radiates from you through your words and your work. Even if I never saw your face, I would know you to be beautiful. So there!
2. Yes, I know what you mean. And it’s not like I am a total hermit either — there are pictures of me on my about page and sprinkled throughout posts as well. However, there have been countless occasions when I was short on ideas for a post that day and thought “Gosh, why don’t I just take a selfie in the mirror and talk about my outfit?”…and that is where I draw the line. I do it because I don’t want to be the subject — I want my thoughts/feelings/creative work to be the subject (which is a form of vanity all by itself).
HOWEVER, that said, I am a total hypocrite on this subject because some of my favorite blogs feature nothing but outfit posts (Love Maegan and New Dress a Day come to mind this sec)…these are beautiful ladies wearing beautiful clothing, but it’s presented in a helpful and humorous way. They are using their personal fashion as a means of cataloging their personal experiences, which is kinda amazing. They don’t take themselves too seriously and it reads accordingly. If I posted a picture of me tomorrow, you would be able to tell it was the best out of 100 and I’d Photoshopped the crap out of it, which, if you think about it, is much more vain than if I was posting selfies everyday in the first place.
Conclusion: It’s best I stay away from the subject altogether!
Ahhh, great topic for bloggers and blog readers alike! I’m thinking about blogs I read – do I really give extra credence/attention to the ones who post pics of themselves? That’s actually a tough one. In some ways I might, but if so it’s subconscious. Also, there are blogs that primarily feature lifestyle, versus blogs that feature great writing in a distinctly personal voice (like this one right here). If the voice is bold, I have scarce interest in the face behind it. But I think you could argue for the inclusion of face time when the blogger is describing specific ways she uses her art in her own life.
Personally, it took me forevah to put a selfie on my blog, and even then I had to manipulate it with black and white so it didn’t look quite real. Somehow, the true flesh tones of my photo made me uncomfortable. (Photoshopping? Well, I may have erased one annoying old chicken pox scar, which sits right where my third eye is supposed to be and really bugs me. But I felt guilty doing it, so I hope that makes it half okay.)
Yay for a grand discussion, Peaches, thanks!
I just want to follow up that your point #2 is spot on. Women have been saying this for years and nobody pays attention!!!!!!!!
Hell yeah, let’s go rent Tootsie! I’ll bring the popcorn.
If I didn’t know you in real life I would read this and think you have something to hide. Get it through your thick head of hair my dear, you are beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
your writing voice is so strong, I feel like I get a sense of you even though we don’t see you. I do like to see the bloggers I read from time to time, but it’s not essential to me.
Dear Aunt Peaches… I enclose a self-portrait inindividually dyed elbow-macaron…oh. Sorry. The dog just ate it. It was pretty slippery anyway, since I cooked the macaroni first.
I’m happy with what you care to present me and appearances can go hang. Our society… bless its coal-black heart… is working on it. Glitter on.
This is an awesome discussion. So glad you posted it. I completely respect where you are coming from.
I found it interesting that he told the make-up people to make his female persona more beautiful, as if we women can make our exteriors beautiful if we choose too…..I think that was the real reason for his tears, he had an epiphany that those women he choose to shun because he felt they did not take the steps necessary to meet his and the rest of male society’s norm of beautiful were already doing the best they could with what they had to work with, kind of like they were disabled and it wasn’t their fault….I know I am opening myself up for a lot of criticism (but somehow my pic doesn’t show anymore, so its ok, lol!!) but I think Dustin is still a sexist pig and believe me, I am an expert on Pigs…lol!!
PS Aunt Peaches, you are Beautiful! The only way you could look better is if you slap on some glue and roll around in glitter!
I get what he way saying about the women that he would shun. If a woman is not pretty enough OR young enough, most people (insert air quotes) will not give us the time of day. In my case, while i am average looking, it is the age factor. No one would ever believe that I worked in million dollar homes and managed a million dollar company. My expertise is a moot point. This is women as well as men. by the way, I do love your honesty in your blog. Just the right amount of sass.
Great debate Aunt P… I love your blog and it never occurred to me to wonder what you look like – as someone else said, I assumed you look like me lol Just keep on being as outspoken as you are, you sound beautiful and great fun….. the girl we’d all love to be sitting next to at a party.
Fair play to Dustin for being so honest….
We’ve recently been having a similar debate in the Music world because of You Tube videos and snapshots being taken at every gig …. where the emphasis is on what you look like, how perfect you are and not about the moment of the song. I play small venues – folk clubs and house concerts – very comfortable and homely stages – and once I’m up performing I could be wearing a bin liner cos I never think about my appearance once I’m up there … and I certainly don’t think about all the faces I pull that are momentary and part of my expression. But when they show up on a photo or worse still on a YouTube video I just cringe and start to panic about going out to the next gig. We pay professional photographers to take good publicity photos to make us look our best and then some well meaning fan leaves their video camera running throughout a gig where perhaps you have a cold, or as happened to me once, where I had driven 8 hours on my own to get to the gig – hyped up on coffee and totally wrecked …. and they put the video up on Facebook. Yuk!! I was not a happy camper!
Thank you for posting that. it is very interesting and it IS something we women have been saying for years! Makes me want to rent Tootsie I would view it in a different light. Also thank for you for having the courage to talk about yourself in relation to the video. I love your blog with or without self portraits. I understand your need for a bit of privacy and you are completely entitled to it. Just keep posting pics of all your handy work please 🙂
I don’t care if you are purple and poop glitter…I just want you to keep blogging ’cause I want to be just like you when I grow up.
(I am 58 outside; Inside I am about (on average) 15.
I actually like that you use a pseudonym (I assume) and are not pictured. You are sort of like a character in a novel, and I can picture you any way I wish. Your wonderful self disclosing posts have created a fully human person I think of as my bud, Aunt Peaches. Also, I find it interesting that this topic has generated so much discussion. As much as we all think we have evolved and are beyond the commercial/cultural focus on beauty, it lingers. And I’m the same age as Tee, inside and out!
Aha, so maybe it’s a midwestern thing (self-portraits). I was never praised for my appearance as a younger person (that would be vain). I like to think I have become one of those interesting women that Hoffman would have ignored. I do post my image on my blog somewhat as an act of rebellion. I am ok with my image now. I respect you peaches, for your choices and most of all your fine voice. Great topic. I am guilty of looking at the “pretty” man when I should have been listening to the “interesting” man.
Yes, perhaps it is a Midwestern thing. A few people IRL have picked up this topic with me since publishing this post and we (as Midwesterners) all sort of concluded that it would be weird to include photos of our selves all over the place (not just blogs — facebook, instagram, etc). We like it when other people do it though. Just not us. Also, we all had moms who shunned being in photos and decorated the fridge/hallway with pictures of *other* people outside the immediate family. I always wanted to put a picture of my parents from when they were first married above the mantel, and they both, on numerous occasions, refused as they thought it would be “conceited” or “self-indulgent.” In talking to other people around here, that is not an unusual attitude at all. I wonder if it is a regional thing or a generational thing? Someone should study this one further…