Important announcement: I have decided that 2015 will be the year I embrace the selfie.
No, not the bathroom mirror “Does my new outfit make me look fat?”’ selfie, but more of the “Look at my fat ass in the bathroom mirror, do you think it would look better with corn chips?” kind of selfie.
To understand why I hate taking photos of myself, or photos of me in general, you need to understand that I am hilariously unphotogenic. No, you think I’m saying that, but it’s true. Even as a very cute child, I took very bad photos. Everyone says so. Every once in a great while someone would get a good picture of me and I’d tack it up on the fridge and my pathologically Midwestern parents would say “Ouffff, now we need to quit fanning her vanity!” and it would come down and get buried in a box. As a kid, I always thought it was weird to go over to someone’s house and see that they willingly displayed framed photos of themselves, and I’ll admit, part of me still does. But today, in 2015, at the dawn of the selfie stick (HAVE YOU SEEN THESE THINGS?), I realize that attitude toward portraiture says more about me than it does about them.
Just the same, for old times sake, and because it’s Throwback Thursday, let’s review just one of the many hundreds of horrific moments in the photograph history that is Peaches.
Was that weird when I just referred to myself third person? Sorry.
Well folks. There it is. Now, I know what you are thinking, WHAT IS THAT?
That, my friends, is the best that 1989 pre-teen dancewear could offer. Hot look, right? I know. The dance routine was set to Midnight Star’s “No Parking on the Dance Floor” and the outfit was supposed to be some sort of hyped-up traffic cop slash meter maid slash cocktail waitress.
Thing was, being an unusually healthy (read: enormous) child, the costume didn’t really fit. They ordered me the largest size but dance instructor still had to use her manicure scissors to cut darts in the back so I could squeeze into the sequined, hot pink spandex sausage casing as the rest of the dance class looked on in horror.
But wait, it gets better…
Of course, that day I came in wearing zero makeup so one of the other girl’s mom took it upon herself to introduce me to Mary Kay’s finest gift: frosted purple eyeshadow. I’ll tell you something, nothing sets off a mild case of pre-teen lazy eye like a good streak of wild orchid. My smile consisted of two very large front teeth as the rest were missing or half-way grown in, giving me the look of young, snaggletooth meth addict. I attempted a smile with my mouth closed but the photographer refused to take my picture until I showed him, “them pearly whites.”
Well then. I sure showed him.
Now, as you can imagine, my face in the image was so horrible, so embarrassing, that when the photos came back from the photographer I hid them so nobody would be tempted hang one up or send it off to relations. They sat there in that box for 20 years until one day a while back, I ruptured this photographic treasure from its sunken tomb. As I studied the photo more closely, I recalled the too tight costume, the awful song, and the frightening choreography meant to mimic the hand gestures of crossing guard on Soul Train. I did not, however, recall the words on the costume. Clearly, they were designed to conjure images of traffic signs but the repeating pattern of inappropriate sexual messages is hard to miss;
SOFT SHOULDERS
BUMPS AHEAD
SLIPPERY WHEN WET
ENTER WITH CAUTION
…you get the picture.
So that was a fun. Also really gross, but it’s sorta fun to realize that all those years I spent feeling horrified and embarrassed of my appearance in those pictures was really nothing compared to the horror and embarrassment of the adult that ordered a baby stripper costume in the first place. But, I digress. I could use this opportunity to highlight the travesty of a culture that unknowlingly sexualizes children, or, I could use this as a chance to get mad at my dad for letting me walk around in public without noticing his kid was dressed like a hot pink hooker, or, I could use this as a reminder as to why I shouldn’t freak out over how my face looks in a picture today because 20 years later I might find something much worse.
…Or, I could just take it down to the store, get it enlarged, and let it dance.
Come over to my house to use the toilet, and rest assured, my friend, you will not dance alone.
Carla
You are my hero. I just laughed so hard I might have peed a little.
Marcia
This is hands down the funniest blog post I have ever read. It’s truly funny because I am laughing *with* you. My mother crocheted matching tops for my sister and I to sport in some family pictures in the late 70’s. It was the filet style crochet (it looks like patterned fishnets) and you can clearly see nipples through it. Yes, these were the nipples of young children, but when I look at that family portrait and my accompanying bowl haircut it makes me cringe. And, yes, my mother has this portrait framed and prominently displayed in the house (though not in the powder room).
Thank you so much for the best laugh I’ve had in a long time!
aunt peaches
Marcia, You need to get that picture out and hang it up in a prominent place. Do you have a mantel? I think it might look bare…
Dee
Aunty P. I truly love your writing! So much so that I had to take a half a xanny to get through your description of your dance photo experience. Oy! I’m all sweaty and cringy. Bless your sparkalishis heart.
Dee
Exit Slowly? WTF?
aunt peaches
Dude. I know. That’s messed up.
Shannon
Oh my gawrsh this was so funny Peaches. Weirdly enough I would actually use a selfie stick…LOL People think I am vain for taking my own pic but that is so I know it looks good.
AnnW
You are cute in that picture! I would like to see a re-enactment of that! Everyone has some pictures of themselves that are awkward. You are much more attractive now.
Heather - dollarstorecrafts
I LOVE that you put it in a place of honor. And seriously, what was the person who designed/ordered that costume thinking??
aunt peaches
I really want to think it was a mistake. I *reallly* want to think it wasn’t on purpose.
Cece
Thank you! The Internet needs an antidote to the “365 days of my skinny jean outfits” bloggers. We get it, your thighs never touch and you own Statement Jewelry. I want real life, real people, real pictures. Thanks for embracing the selfie!
Becky
This made my day. As a fellow looks-horrible-in-all-photos Midwesterner, I feel like you are my soul sister. I’m totally stealing your “pathologically Midwestern” phrase, too. I asked my parents once, in a moment of sophomore-in-college angst, why they had never in my life (not once!) told me I was pretty; they answered that they hadn’t wanted to give me a big head, and anyway “pretty is as pretty does.” Uff da! Anyway, you have inspired me. I’m off to find my fifth grade school picture, the one with the Ogilvie home perm (on short hair, no less) and the neon smiley-face sweater. I think I have just the spot for it in my entry hall.
KJ
My Grandmother was an amazing woman but I don’t have a single picture of her where she doesn’t look like someone just stomped on her foot. Every time she smiled it looked like she was terrified. She was just not ment to be on “film”. But at least I have something to remember her by…so please take pictures of yourself for the next generation.
aunt peaches
Yup — this is what I’m trying to tell myself. I will one day want to remember these moments with the PEOPLE in them…and I am one of those people. 🙂
Skatie
You looked how most of us would have looked in an outfit like that. Uncomfortable, awkward, please-take-the-damned-picture-so-I-can-change. And thank goodness. Imagine being that age, and making that outfit look good, and how much more horrifying that would be. Bleah. Makes me cringe just to think about it. Who thought that material was okay? o.O
JenO
laughed waaay too hard on this one, it’s made my week–maybe my month although it’s still to early to say and I have a birthday coming up which could put my own childhood humiliation up against this if my sister lets any childhood pix out of the bag.
aunt peaches
I hope you get ahold of it. Sounds like a great pic!
Carolina
You are awesome. Thankfully, my parents never bought my dance recital photos. Those costumes never fit anyone well… I was an unusually scrawny child. They had to order costumes tall enough for me, which I swam in. My mom always had to take them in. My Freshman year in college, I unearthed my 5th grade dance costume, let it out where my mom had taken it in, and it fit. If selfies were a “thing” my freshman year in college, I could share with you a bad-ass photo of me in a hot pink unitard.
Karla
I laughed so hard at this article. You are so lovely dear!! Happy New Year 🙂
Shayne
All I can say is that you should see the photos that those of us who grew up the 70s have hidden away – and NO bathroom wall is seeing some of those monstrosities! Brilliant idea to put it up there though – what a conversation piece… uh, well not that you’re going to be hanging out in there with your visitors but, you know..
aunt peaches
It’s definintley a conversation piece. People walk in and ask…usually saying “that’s…ummm, lovely.” and then I point out the words on the costume and they get it. It’s hard to unsee some things.
Kathy
HI-larious! Thanks for warming up a 20 below wind chill factor Friday morning. I can barely see to type this as tears of laughter are running down my face. OK and like Carla maybe I peed a bit too.
Donna
OMG! AP you are my HERO! I have a photo of myself from the 70s that is freakishly similar! You always make me laugh, even on a cold, grey winter day! This should be required reading for all awkward teenagers everywhere.
meg
that’s it. it’s 9 a.m. and i’m leaving the internet for the rest of the day because nothing — NOTHING — will top this. bless you, peaches.
aunt peaches
That is quite the compliment, thanks Meg!
Jenny
I definitely peed a little.
aunt peaches
🙂
tana
I am very old and I have ruined every single picture I have ever been in. I feel your pain.
Jenifer
Thank you! And as a north easterner, I too look awful – awful in pictures. So much so, people are taken a back when they meet me in the person.
Love this post!
Dana Jean
haoheohaoheohaoehaeaohea!! That was great. Embrace yo bad self!
I am also non photogenic and want to cry every time I see a photo of myself. Do I really look like that? No. No I don’t.
You do realize someone is going to jack that picture and circulate it with some meme, like my beloved grumpy cat. I will watch for it and say, “Hey, I know that dancer!”
Dusa
This song has been on my “disco Friday” playlist for a while. “You don’t get a move on that body, I’ll be forced to give you a ticket! So get with it!”
You’ve just added a whole other “Little Miss Sinshine” level to it. Freaking awesome!
Christy
simply the BEST!!!!!!!!!
Beth Boman
This is awesome. I was having a really bad day. Thank you. I have similar photos I have buried, maybe its time to embrace them. I will say I don’t think having your own photos in your house is weird, but updating selfies weekly on Facebook is hella weird to me.
aunt peaches
Yeah, it’s definitely a different approach. I used to think the selfie phenomenon was a giant exercise in vanity, but now I realize how much I envy that sort of self confidence. I don’t know. My current feeling is that I shouldn’t begrudge myself or anyone else for taking selfies, however, I would hope my interest in the things and people *around me* would always outweigh any interest in myself.
Then again, I started a blog devoted to rambling, so. Yeah. Narcissism takes many shapes…
Beth Boman
Your blog is inspiring and fosters community, I get what you’re saying, but I think there’s a big leap from poking fun at yourself to unify us all in our imperfections and creating a place for conversation, to the sexy-selfie revolution. Which is why I’m thinking about quitting facebook, but I just don’t know how to quit you, Peaches. 🙂
That sounded super creepy. Sorry.
Laura @ Me & Mr Jones
I’m all for sellfies, in fact I recently found a photo my grandad took of himself in the 70s. Yes, selfies have existed in my family for many decades….
I do like to take pictures though, whether it be of myself or what I’m cooking or my cat or whatever because I have a terrible memory. A simple picture can easily bring back memories for me that nothing else has been able to do. I’ve been doing a “photo a day” project and am carrying it over to 2015 and it’s excellent because i can look at one simple picture from each day and remember exactly what I did.
Deb in Oklahoma
I’m kind of disappointed. I thought fer shure the song would have been “Baby, You Can Drive My Car” or maybe, “Pink Cadillac” (the Aretha version), based on the steering wheel alone. But Midnight Star works, too.
You know, I just cannot think of a better place than a funky-doodle bathroom to put a photo like that. It’s perfect. The bathroom is where so much weird bodily stuff happens, so why not put something up there (like an awkward pose) that will make you smile, even if it’s more a grimace than a true smile. And you can always change it out for other pictures, just to keep your friends entertained.
I applaud your bravery for facing your past, Dancing Queen.
Sasha
I’ve always been impressively non-photogenic, too. Somehow, I always end up looking like a many-chinned arthritic T-Rex in pictures. You’ve inspired me to dig up some of those tramatic 1980’s school pictures!
Rebekah
Peaches, you’re my favorite. That is all.
April
U R RAD. 🙂
Nicki Carm
This just might be your best column ever! Sure hits home! I cringe when a camera is pointed at me. Maybe that’s why I’m almost always BEHIND the lens, having fun with NIK, my Nikon??!! LOVE where you put the picture. I actually hung a similar one of myself… IN my closet, with the letters D I V A above it. My GrandLoves think it hilarious.
Here’s to the non-photogenic of the world… though I think you look hilariously gorgeous, brave and full of personality, in this pic. Yep, beauty is clearly in the eye of the beholder.
As for modern-day selfies? In your face and brutal selfies?? I need a very, very long selfie stick… the current one available is way to short. And the oldest of my granddaughters is Instagram’s Selfie Queen. Thing is, she’s TRULY gorgeous and photogenic, but already doesn’t want anyone else to capture her. There’s something wrong there…
xo Nicki
Nicki Carm
I need an edit button! Can’t seem to avoid TO make TOO many mistakes, especially here ’cause I’m excited to respond!! xo
aunt peaches
Hahaha, no worries Nicki. Always love to hear from you! And I love your idea of a Diva photo in the closet. I’ll have to remember that!
Jac
You have some balls posting that photo! Mad respect!
Iris dsc
OMG too hilarious, I laughed soooo much. I love that photo. That is just GOLD. Thank you so much for sharing it!!!
kay kerns
So funny, thank you for sharing that. i look dreadful in pictures too….you are not alone!
Mo
Fantastic, thank you for sharing. I have consistently ruined every picture I’m in and now you’ve inspired me to dig through 70s photos to make my own bathroom art. Perhaps the 4th grade “damn I look good” outfit complete with cowgirl face shirt with actual three dimensional hat and string? There will be knee socks.