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Rad and Cheap: Weird Art Imma Need in My House

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Doctors can tell a lot about a person’s health just by looking at their tongue; You and I can tell a lot about a person’s life by looking at their art. 

Nothing reflects the people who live in a home like the art on their walls. Nothing.

Is it a pre-framed print they bought to match the couch?
Is it an inherited portrait of Great Uncle Bernie?
Is it an exotic wooden mask from East Africa?
Is it a picture of their kiddos looking happy?
Is it something interesting an abstract that makes you feel stupid for not understanding?
Is it a picture of mother and daughter wearing matching dresses and home perms (no judgements y’all, I know that home all-too-well).

The point is, whether you like it or not, your art says a lot about you.

My art says THIS PERSON WATCHED TOO MUCH TELEVISION AS A CHILD.

Which is true.

It also says I like a lot of art. Not just in variety, but in quantity. I feel like a room is naked if there aren’t at least five  pieces hanging up. I like original art best but that get’s awfully expensive, so, if I am spending money on reproduction prints, I want them how I like art best: cheap and weird.

Note, most of these pieces are priced around $20.

1.  A flamboyance of Flamingos in the men’s bathroom (and yes, a group of flamingos is called a flamboyance).

2. Elvis dressed as an Indian. Before Cher was doing it and Indian was a taboo word.

3. Forget the family portrait and get yourself some yeti family paper dolls. They move around and all kinds of fun stuff.

4. I need more pictures of doughnuts having a conversations. Don’t you?

5. Even Wonder Woman has to pull her panties out of her butt sometimes. This makes me feel better.

6. In 1983 Nancy Reagan and Mr. T got busy under the Christmas tree. Why this hasn’t become the subject of a beloved holiday song baffles me too.

7. I’m not even a Star Wars fan and I know how cool it is to have a Saturday Night Storm Trooper hanging in your bathroom.

8. Larry David in Perler Beads (he does custom portraits, btw).

9. A rhinoceros drinking Diet Coke. Because the only thing I like more than cute animals is Diet Coke.

Priced out of this roundup (but still seriously cool): Bob Ross on black velvet | Chicago illustration by Matte Stephens | Erckle portrait in rice (yes, I said rice).

  

As You Wish, Monopoly

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Good news: Someone created a Monopoly board based on the movie The Princess Bride. And you know how I feel about The Princess Bride. And I have an Inigo Montoya on black velvet painting to prove it.

Bad news: It is not for sale. It was made by a fan. It’s like fan fiction but it’s a board game and it’s awesome.

Apparently the folks at Parker Brothers have yet to sync up with the licensing folks for the movie and the rest of us are left to sit in wonder when the day will come when we can bounce-tap our tiny six-fingered glove through the Fire Swamp and the Cliffs of Insanity. It’s like Parker Brothers and that guy in the top hat with the monocle are purposely trying to be mean to us.

Those greedy bastards.

I’m tempted to go rogue and put this in distribution myself. Or maybe it’s better to stay on the straight and narrow — perhaps take up a petition and start a campaign. Hrmm…..

Portrait of a Lady

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My friend Kelly sent me a link to something called ReplaceFace – a Tumblr feed of military portraits, only the faces of the original Russian generals have been replaced with the heads of celebrities like Sylvester Stallone, Will Smith, and Jack Nicholson. Kelly, knowing my fondness for photoshopped weird things, thought I might want to contact the artist and ask why he/she hasn’t done Neil Diamond yet.
So true Kelly, so true.
My reaction…
One: WHOA.
Two: This is impressive photoshoping. I can spot a ‘shop job a mile away, and this is effing impressive.
Three: Why is my cat not in this?
So I got bored last night watching Game of Thrones (y’all did you see that crap with the hand on the string? – SNARF MUCH?) and started plotting this out. Lolabelle, dainty as she is, is too thick-necked to fit in one of those Russian military collars so I made her queen instead. Clearly, it suits her.
It’s a little creepy that there is a human hand, but you know, I’m okay with that.  It’s a hallmark of her humanity. (Yeah, that’s it.)
Now I’m going to have it printed on canvas and hung in my portrait gallery, then I’m thinking I’ll order a ReplaceFace image for a pillow front; Bob Dylanor Bill Murray? Tough call…

Turtle Smoochin

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Y’all know I have a wicked sparkle tooth.

I saw these faboo odds and bobs at Target and had to get them; an enamel bracelet made from two kissing giraffes and a pair of yellow turtle earrings.


Did you know turtles can breath through their butt?
It’s true. 
Would I pay $7.99 to wear rhinestone butt breathers on my ears?

You bettcha!

Happy Weekend 🙂

For the Love of Sequins: A New Headboard

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I need a new headboard.

Actually, that’s misleading – I don’t have a current headboard.

So it’s not really new.

I have never itown y’all a photo of my current bedroom because I have never really decorated it properly. It is lacking in headboard. It just doesn’t seem complete without it.

For many years I had a king sized bed and it had some big fancy modern thing…then life exploded and I downsized to a tiny apartment. For a while I slept on an old mattress on the floor that was salvaged from one of our guest bedrooms…. then I bought the cheapest double bed I could buy (big mistake – it started shredding after 4 months)…until finally, I eventually upgraded to the basic full size set I have now.  And I love it. The mattress is high density foam, which is something I cannot recommend enough to people with chronic back issues. I used to have mornings where I would crawl out of bed and hobble to the shower. I couldn’t even stand up without 5 minutes of hot water to help me straighten out. Since buying this mattress, I have only had one morning like that, and that was because I was sleeping in a hotel.  Once you get used to sleeping on a truly great mattress, it’s hard to go back (no pun intended).

If you are seriously looking, this place sells at a bargain price. Shipping is free.  I have now turned five other friends/family members into customers, all of whom agree with me, it was the best money they ever spent.

Was I talking about sequins? Oh crap. Okay, sorry, I got distracted. So I need a headboard. I keep thinking I’ll see one at an antique fair or thrift store that I can dress up, but in over a year of looking, I have yet to find something suitable.

Problem is that I’m picky. Very picky.

I do not want wood. I do not want metal. A big brass Bedknobs and Broomsticks bed would be awesome but they don’t come around too often!

I want it to be soft, preferably fabric. I thought about making a custom piece by stapling fabric to plywood, but I want the fabric to be removable for cleaning (in addition to back problems I also have vicious allergies). Then I thought I might hang a Middle Eastern rug up, but I fear it would be scruffy and Lola would try to use it as vertical a scratching post. Then I thought I would use a quilt, but I’m having a hard time finding a quilt large enough that I can afford that doesn’t scream out for a country goose jamboree.

Like I said, I am picky.

All image sourced from My Marrakech

So now I’m thinking Morocco. A Moroccan wedding blanket to be specific.  They are so soft and cuddly, but also yet so sparkly. There is an Earthen Liberace-esque charm to them that I just love. Downside: they are not cheap. I mean, for something handmade that will be treasured for a long time, I suppose a few hundred bucks is a drop-dead bargain, but for me, for something that I don’t really need, it’s a lot.  Plus there’s shipping and blah blah blah.

Anyway. I’m thinking I might be able to DIY something according to my taste. It’s just white wool and silver sequins, right? How hard could it be?

Stay tuned….

Gobble Gobble

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Not being a matriarch has it’s advantages. Especially on Thanksgiving. While everyone else is running around in a whirl of hoopla, I get to sit back and take it easy. Eat. Wear sweatpants. Watch It’s a Wonderful Life for the elevety thousandth time. And while everyone else is diving into the dishes, I am eying a Barkalounger and a bowl of dip with my name written all over it.

Let me tell you something, it’s tough.

Guys, it’s Thanksgiving.

Today is the day we give thanks. The day we look back and reflect up on all the things for which we are most grateful and indebted. For some folks this means dinner with family, but for some it is an occasion to take an inventory of what is important. What is sacred. What is humbling.

When I look back at this past year, even just this last month, and I list all the things I am most thankful for, you are most certainly one of them. Yes, you. Your readership, your comments, and your very presence in my life has made a difference that is hard to describe. It is something for which I am profoundly grateful.

Because I don’t say it enough: Thank You. 

Happy Thanksgiving 🙂

Prehistoric Garden Gnomes

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Spotted these in the fern room at the Lincoln Park Conservatory the other day. I think they are there to illustrate that these plants date back to the time of the dinosaurs, which is indeed impressive, but dude, seriously, IS THIS A COOL IDEA OR WHAT?!

I’ll tell you something–soon as my postage stamp garden plot pops up next month, I’m planting a couple of dinosaurs.They are like prehistoric garden gnomes.

“Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina”

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I’m back. 

Spent some time down south with family and friends and food and babies and food and wedding hoopla of all varieties and eating food so good it would make your brains fall out. And oh, did I mention the food?

Makers of the Internet: you make it so easy to share pictures but why won’t you allow me to share stuff like smells and taste? Scratch and sniff screens or something? Taste-o-vision? You need to work on that, k? 

Maid of honor duties prevented me from taking many wedding photos but somehow I found time to capture about 900 photographs of my niece. That’s not sarcasm. Abigail is ten-months of crazy cuteness and is freakishly photogenic. And since I don’t see her nearly as often as I would like, well, the camera never left my side. If ya’ll lived in the neighborhood I would invite you over for gimlets and a 2 hour slide show of nothing but Abigail photos. You never had it so good!

This vacation wasn’t about sightseeing or tourist attractions. Just grocery stores and playgrounds and an occasional craft project. Lots of old, friendly, familiar things. Somehow seeing them through the eye of the camera makes me appreciate them a little bit more.

Ahem; the highlight reel:
(from left to right, top to bottom)

  • Went up to the mountains in search of acorns and came down with buckets of ash berries.
  • Laid in the grass and watched the clouds go by.
  • Renewed my profound appreciation for Sonic frozen treats (Dr. Pepper + Soft Serve Ice Cream = Oh Hell Yeah).
  • Watched the sun rise.
  • Met a chicken named Barbeque.
  • Took my niece to the playground then realized why my parents thought play dates were exhausting.
  • Went to six different stores in a relentless search for skinny brown ribbon.
  • Made a super cute rehearsal bouquet.
  • Witnessed the light of G-d shine through the clouds in such a way I was pretty sure the makers of biblical bookmarkers were going to pop out of the bushes any second.
  • Downloaded Elizabeth Mitchell’s new album Sunny Day to entertain Abigail, but now it’s a week later and I’m still listening to it.

  • Made Abigail a flamingo costume.
  • Got the chills when I saw Aunt Annie cradle Abigail like it was a living photograph of her cradling me at that same age.
  • Ate drool covered cheerios.
  • Gave my bouquet to a stranger in the hotel hallway. Dang, was that lady happy 🙂
  • Discovered that some ribbon just looks better off the spool. Thank you.
  • Nearly flashed the Groom’s Great Uncle while dancing the Hora in a strapless dress. Your welcome.
  • Saw my BFF marry a wonderful man.
  • Rented a car and drove for miles on country roads with the windows low and the radio high.
  • Experienced a slice of Double Fudge Coca Cola Cake at the Cracker Barrel. Listen good y’all: this thing is unreal.
  • Stopped to smell the roses. 

  • Picked Cotton.
  • Watched the willow tree I helped plant on the riverbank 25 years ago, finally grow tall and long enough to dip its branches in the water.
  • Made Abigail a Sir Mix-a-Lot costume (“Baby Got Back” is spelled out in rhinestones on her back. Bubba’s request.)
  • Welled up with tears seeing Abigail use her Grandads’s walker like jungle gym.
  • Danced in the freezer section.
  • Enjoyed a manicure and pedicure from a delightful man named Choo, who said something in Chinese to his colleague that I’m 99% positive translated to “Dude, where’d you put the hedge clippers?”
  • Picked more cotton and ruined my lovely new manicure. Sorry, Choo.
  • Ran my fingers through the wheat.
  • Helped my BFF get ready for her wedding day.
  • Met cat named Magda who drools when she purrs. Yup, it’s awesome.
  • Watched Abigail flash a “Talk to the hand” gesture. The aviator glasses make it easy to think she really meant it, too.
  • Wondered why I waited so long to make homemade Chex mix. Holy celery salt, I have been missing a good thing!
  • Removed a chicken-nugget size ball of hair and earwax from Ol’Rusty Jr.’s neck. If I ever get as old as Ol’Rusty, I sure hope someone checks my neck for chicken nuggets.
  • Asked a horrified grocery store clerk “Where can I buy penguin?”
  • Lived high on the hog for the night at the Carolina Inn. If you are ever in Chapel Hill, GO THERE. The welcome cookie alone is worth the trip.
  • Ate an igloo shaped groom’s cake.
  • Printed, folded, assembled and tied bows for 160 wedding programs. Then untied, unfolded, reassembled, refolded, and retied 160 wedding programs, when I realized I did it wrong the first time.
  • Ate fried chicken.
  • Ate boiled chicken.
  • Ate barbeque chicken (and no, it wasn’t the chicken named Barbeque).

Favorite Thing: Autumn Apple Picking

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Some people say summer ends with Labor Day. Others claim it’s the Fall Equinox. In my house, autumn begins with an apple picking.

This time of year, when the light is bright and the air is crisp, there is something in me that itches to get out in the country. Places with no streetlights. Places with more tractors than people. Call it my inner farm girl, but I tell you, there is nothing more satisfying than taking in the harvest.

OK OK OK…“the harvest” was barely a bushel and it came with wine tasting and there were no combines or overalls involved…but gosh darnit, it felt great!

As a city dweller, apple picking is something of an excursion. It takes two hours to get to a decent orchard but man is it worth the trip! If you have never enjoyed what it feels like to grow your own food or to pluck it from the Earth, I suggest you start with apples. Apple orchards are pretty easy to find all over North America, and they make for a wonderful adventure. Depending on the type of apple, the arrival time will be staggered throughout the Fall, so you a re pretty much guaranteed to walk away with something great. And there is something wonderfully symbolic about apples. So beautiful. So wholesome. Fresh. Clean.

A visit to the apple orchard has become something of an annual tradition. I like to go with friends and pack a picnic. This year we went just down the road from my favorite Blueberry Farm, DeGrandcahmps, to McIntosh Orchards and Winery, in South Haven Michigan. Did you ever find someplace off the beaten path that was so special that you didn’t want to tell anyone for fear the secret would get out and ruin your special discovery? McIntosh is like that. I’m tempted to keep a lid on it, but the family that runs this place is so special and their goods are so wonderful, I feel like it’s a disservice to keep it to myself. Honestly, my standards are high. This place exceeded all expectations. If you or anyone you know lives within an hour of Chicago, I highly suggest you forward this post or this link asap. Kids and adults will enjoy themselves silly and they will thank you for it later.

McIntosh Orchard isn’t just an apple orchard, no no no, it’s a cider mill and winery. They carry lot’s of semi-dry fruit wines…blueberry, apple, peach, pear, plum…all excellent and around $10 a bottle. A bargain. As someone who saves their sommelier skills for Diet Coke tasting, I cannot claim to be an expert, however, I know a good thing when I see it: this is Good Stuff.  They also sell a lovely collection of gift items, including these lovely milk bottle candles. One of those items that I saw and said “Why didn’t I think of that?!”…so easy to make, but the smell of these candles….oh how I wish the internet could convey smell!  These candles where so delicious. And can you read their names? That one up front in called Barn Dance, and yes, it really does smell like a barn dance! Like fresh pine and a wood burning stove with a hint of citrus and musk. 

Just a little further down the Blue Star Highway is my ALL TIME FAVORITE ANTIQUE PLACE: Sunset Antiques. It is unfair to call it antiques, really, more like a well-edited collection of eccentric rif raf, or what the call “junque” (somehow saying “junk” in semi-fake-French makes it more legit). Most of it is outdoors, shaded by a gigantic elm tree.Well over an acre. They carry everything from old restaurant signs to astronaut suits to taxidermy moose heads to wooden doors…all of it dirt cheap. I’m still kicking myself for not buying that Hurdy Gurdy!

*Sigh*

Back to life, back to reality.
I see a lot of apple baking in my future!