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The Mommy Card

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Sorry guys, I don’t have a real post today.

I had one planned for weeks but it was a sponsored post about holiday photos and the company pulled out at the last minute. At the risk of sounding ungracious, would you like me to tell you why?

Why?

Because I am not a mother.

And I quote: “This campaign is specifically targeted to families. It wasn’t until we saw your images that we realized you do not have children.”

Okay. I get it. Their target audience is mothers. They feel that mothers only read blogs and take product recommendations from other mothers. A lot of companies think this way. I could see their point if this particular company produced, say, breast pumps. Or books about childhood nutrition. Or vaccines. Or stuff you can buy in the diaper aisle….but online photo prints?

Let me get this straight: I am not a credible source for recommending a photo printing company because I am not a mother? Seriously?

Seriously.

As you can imagine, I was sort of shocked. Then I was sad. Then I cried and ate half a bag of Hershey’s kisses.

What’s wrong with me?
My opinions don’t count because I don’t have kids?
If I were a mother companies would want me, but until then they don’t?

Then I opened the door to every bitter, crippled, half-drunken emotional skeleton in my closet. I took them out and let them dance. It was Hammer Time in my living room for a good half of an hour.

Then I got my myself together. Put things in perspective. Put the dancing skeletons back in my closet, shut the door and said aloud to no one in particular, “I am better than this.” 

Then…. I got peeved.

So here I stand before you now, a 33-year-old childless spinster with a cat, a blog and no post, asking you for a favor.

If you are a Mom and you read this blog and you are interested in the opinions and recommendations of Mothers and Non-Mothers alike: Go to the comment section below and say so. Just type “Non-Moms have valid opinions too.” Or something. I don’t really care. I just want one mother to prove this concept wrong. Not just because it will make me feel better (which, I’ll admit, it will) but because there are a lot of companies and marketing professionals out there who think this way. I would like you to demonstrate to them that there is more to you (and your buying power) besides The Mommy Card. 

If you are in the photography/printing/ image processing business and would like to sponsor a post: Go right ahead and send me an email. I’ll give you a great deal for no other reason than you are a competitor.

If you are the PR Firm Account Rep who makes a habit of not doing your homework, wasting my time, sending insensitive emails, and whose name may or may not begin with Tyler and end with McInerney: Go fuck yourself.

    Update the following morning:

    Whoa!!!!! I don’t know what to say. You guys are the best. THE BEST.

    Okay, if it isn’t obvious, I wrote this post out of hurt and anger. It was a small thing but I needed to vent and I don’t know a lot of people in real life who get why I would be frustrated by something this… so I took it to you guys in hopes someone, anyone, would throw me a bone. I needed someone to tell me I’m not crazy or it would have eaten away at me for weeks. I was sure one person would respond here with a comment. Maybe ten. But you guys? Wow. Heart = Warmed. Wow. All I can say is Wow. If I figure out how to articulate what I’m feeling right now, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, just Wow. Thank you.

    Two quick things I want to address….

    1. I’m not going to mention the name of the company. The bone I’m picking is with the PR agency they hired to handle the account. Is it the company’s fault they hired a bunch of ass clowns to handle a narrow minded campaign? Sure. Do I want them to lose business from it because of me? No. After thinking about this a bit, I have decided I am going to write another post, non-sponsored, recommending other printing sources I already use. Not out of vengeance but because it’s handy information this time of year.
    2. Don’t bother googling that name. I changed it just barely enough that this incident doesn’t plague him every time a potential new employer or girlfriend looks him up on the internet. I know, right? How thoughtful of me. What can I say? I’m a softie. Spinsterhood will do that to you. In the meantime, Tyler and his superiors have been made aware that this post exists. HEY TYLER.

    Good Morning America

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    Today is the morning after the election. 
    I find myself divided between two groups of people; those who are elated and those who are crushed, angry, and taking it out on everyone else who is feeling happy. 
    And look, I get that. It’s like going to a wedding the day after you get dumped. All you can do is get drunk off wine coolers and make fun of the bridesmaids.
    I have been there. I have done that. And I know first hand it’s far too easy to let politics come between friendships.
    On days like this, I like to remind all the folks on the other side of the isle that I’ll be mad as a hornet if they quit liking me because I have a different opinion. 
    Furthermore, I remind them that I like them. I like them a lot. 
    Maybe even a little too much.
    Illustration courtesy of the beautiful Art Fart
    Good Morning, America.
      

    How the Sausage is Made

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    Raise your hand if you get annoyed by craft bloggers who suddenly turn into political commentators every other November.
    I see a lot of hands. 
    What the…Hey, mine is up there too!
    Imma vent.  There are two big things that tick me off every election season and if I can’t talk about them on my own blog, I am not doing it right.
    1. Why do people assume we think the same?   
    Want to see a toddler go into a full out melt-down? Tell him he is tired. 
    Want to see me go seven kinds of crazy? Tell me how I should vote. 
    If a politician wants to ask me for my vote that’s fine. It’s their job and someone has to do it. And telling me how and why you are voting is great too. Assuming you can keep it brief, I like hearing how you came to that conclusion. Even if I don’t agree with it, my perspective is broadened by hearing it. 
    But assuming I share your opinion without asking me for mine? Oh Hell No.

    and for another thing…

    2. Why don’t people vote?
    Even in a presidential election year, less than 60% of Americans vote. Do you know how crazy that is? 
    Do you want to know why I vote?  Because of money. Namely, my money. Not because it’s a sacred act of freedom, but because over the course of my lifetime the government will take 1/3* of every dollar I earn and I’ll be damned if they piss it away on beer money. If I have to spend more money on the government than I do on my own retirement, you had better believe I will be paying attention. Furthermore, I deserve a say in how they spend it. 
    How do I get a say? I do my part to keep assholes out of elected office. I vote. 
    *Tangent: Yes, roughly 1/3 of my income goes to the government. No, I am not rich. Last time I calculated in 2008 it was 38% to be precise.  This includes typical paycheck deductions, plus the dollars spent on the taxes of other living expenses like utilities, insurance, real estate, groceries, retail items, etc. Literally, 25% of my cell phone bill is taxes. What is wrong with this picture? Granted, I live in Illinois where taxes run a little higher, but I can say with confidence that most of middle America falls in the general ‘one third’ window. Sit down some month and figure it out for yourself. It’s an eye opener. And here is the thing; anyone who tells you they can lower your taxes and put more money in your pocket is either, a. lying, b. really bad at math, or c. taking that money from somewhere else (in essence “borrowing from Peter to pay Paul”). Neither political party has much swing in how these things shake out, at least not in Washington, and certainly not in the White House. The sad truth is that’s just not how laws are made. How are laws made? Click here for a sing-a-long refresher.
    Tangent on a Tangent: Yes, I know everybody likes talking about the presidential races, and that’s exciting, but we need to remember that’s not how the sausage is made. Presidents have tremendous influence but the actual guts of legislation get decided on Capital Hill. If you can’t name your congressional representatives there is a distinct possibility your money is being represented by someone who isn’t doing a very good job. Someone who doesn’t have your interest at heart. But honestly, why should he? Why should he have your interest at heart if you don’t even know his name? Man, what an asshole, right? Actually, today would be a great day to pay attention and find out what particular breed of asshole he is. Or she is. There is no gender gap when it comes to acting like a jerk with other people’s money. 
    Speaking of gender gap, here are three interesting facts that have come to my attention in the last two weeks:
    1. Women have voted in higher numbers than men in every election since 1964.
    2. Women make up a higher number (55%) of undecided and swing voters than men.
    3. Women are the most sought after voters in this election cycle. Not Soccer Moms or NASCAR Dads. Regular women like me are going to determine who is going to Washington next January. And I like it that way.
    If you are one of the many folks who are still deciding, take a few minutes to check out THIS WEBSITE and decide for yourself. Project Vote Smart a legitimately non-partisan organization that provides information about every candidate running for federal and state races.
    Whew, vent over! That was fun, huh guys?
    And just remember, if all else fails, raid the polling station Wednesday morning and grab all the corrugated signs you can carry. They make for excellent crafting.
    Happy Election Day 🙂

    Why I will not be shopping at Hobby Lobby anymore

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    Dear Hobby Lobby,
     
    As an avid crafter and long-time Hobby Lobby shopper, I am disappointed by your recent choice to sue the United States government. Your suit claims that you do not want to follow federal law by providing your employees with health insurance that would cover emergency contraception, because, as you say, “These abortion-causing drugs go against our faith.”
     
    Hobby Lobby, here are a three things I want you to know.
     
    1. The morning-after pill does not cause abortions. It prevents pregnancy from happening in the first place. It stops ovulation and inhibits the egg from implanting in the uterine lining. It does not tinker with an embryo that has already implanted. It does not abort a fetus. 
     
    Yes, I realize a lot of men like to believe that life begins at the very moment of male climax, but as any woman can tell you, that is not the case. Sad face, right?
     
    In emergency situations, the morning-after pill is a necessary measure. Thousands of women rely on it every day to control their family planning. It is possible that some of them are amongst your 13,000 plus full-time employees.
     
    How do I know that the morning-after pill is not an abortion? Because I have had occasion to use it myself. I have also taken the time to do my homework, read the scientific research, and asked several of my friends in the medical profession to share their thoughts. Just now, I even asked my dear friend Maureen, who is a doctor—and a conservative-minded Christian one at that. Our conversation went like this:
     
     
     
    And here is a kicker for you: Plan B works the same as daily birth control, aka “the pill,” just in more concentrated dose. Hobby Lobby, how many of your employees are on the pill? Urmmmm, a lot.

    Let’s review; pregnancy occurs when an egg implants and sticks. Period. (No pun intended). (And you can research the definition on your own time). If you are filing a lawsuit to get rid of one of these medications you should probably get rid of both. The main difference is timing and cost. The pill is pretty cheap, but Plan B runs around $65 a dose in my neck of the woods. For someone working an hourly retail job, $65 might be the difference between groceries and gas money (I speak from experience here). 
     
    Now, I can see why you might be confused. Yes, there are some pills that can cause abortions. As the Mayo Clinic points out “Keep in mind that the morning-after pill isn’t the same as mifepristone (Mifeprex), also known as RU-486 or the abortion pill. Mifeprex terminates an established pregnancy — one in which the fertilized egg has attached to the uterine wall and has already begun to develop.”

     
    But Mifeprex is not covered in the mandate mentioned in your law suit. So, gosh, this is awkward.  
     
    Sorry Hobby Lobby, those are the facts. I believe in facts. You may believe in something different, and that’s okay too. Facts will be around longer than both of us.
     
    2. By opposing the morning-after pill, you are opposing a simple form of contraception. Your lawsuit claims that this is a violation of your religion, which I don’t buy (see item 1) but okay, fine, you stick to it. Hold your ground. Keep your magic beans. But the thing is Hobby Lobby, you, as a corporation, are not your employees. You do not make family planning decisions for your staff. You have every right to hire and fire employees as you see fit, but, you do not have the right to dictate what those employees do with their bodies when they are off the clock.
     
    I know what you are thinking Hobby Lobby, “But why should we have to pay for these women and their choice of life-style? Can’t they just pay for this stuff themselves?”
     
    Good points, Hobby Lobby. My employer asks a similar question every time they have to pay out for one of my colleagues who receives Type II Diabetes medication, or treatment for lung cancer, or someone’s Viagra, or vasectomy, or any other medical treatment caused by “life-style choices.” That’s the way insurance works. It’s all-in. Nobody gets to pick and choose coverage based on what they see fit and moral. You don’t get to punish your employees by holding back medication because you don’t agree with their life-style choices. Your lawsuit aims to set legal precedent that would prevent other US employers from covering contraception in their benefits package, and that is not cool Hobby Lobby. Not cool.
     
    3. As a craft blogger and creative professional, I spend a lot of time in craft stores. A lot. Probably ten times more than anyone else I know (except for my other craft blogging friends, who are all reading this). I have to cross three other craft stores to get to the nearest Hobby Lobby, and I used to do it on a regular basis because I liked the way you do business. Your stores are always clean, well-stocked, and your employees know their stuff better than most. Yes, the Glitter-Me-Jesus figurines are a little freaky, and sometimes your music is weird, but hey, we can’t all be DJs. All in all, over the years, I have spent a good deal of money at Hobby Lobby. As of yesterday that is over. I will not support a company that would deny its employees the ability to control their reproductive organs. I will not be shopping at Hobby Lobby anymore.
     
    Furthermore, I am going to tell all my family, friends and colleagues about what you are doing with this lawsuit. I’m going to tell all my blog friends too. There are a few thousand of them dropping by every day. I don’t expect all of them to agree with me, but I do expect that they will think about it. And yes, I’m hoping they will think about it as they are driving right past your store to head over to Michael’s, or Jo-Ann’s, or AC Moore, or Ben Franklin, or any of the other wonderful craft retailers who are observing their religious beliefs in their hearts and not in my biscuit. 
     
    Warmly,
     
    ~ Aunt Peaches
     
    If you are a Hobby Lobby customer and have an opinion on this issue, why don’t you take a moment to tell them about it.

    *** The Morning-After Update

    Before publishing this post yesterday I asked a friend to read it to make sure it wasn’t totally off-base or offensive. She said it was.”Do you realize that you could lose half your readers by posting this?”

    Yes. And that was a risk I was willing to take. However, to my amazement, the opposite has taken place. It appears that I have lost a few readers and gained many, many more. The overwhelming tide of support is startling. That was not expected.

    I want to take a second to say thank you to everyone who is taking the time to weigh in — on both sides of the debate. Thank you for telling your friends and sharing on facebook and writing emails to the folks at HL. Consumer buying power is one of the only tools we can use to see change. Lucky for us, it is also one of the most effective.

    I also want to note that a number of people have sent emails to me directly because they don’t feel comfortable commenting on this subject in public. The fact that they felt compelled to email is wonderful, appreciated, 100% understandable…and precisely the reason I wrote this post. Some things need to be said…in public. No one should have to feel bad about speaking their mind. Progress will never happen if folks are too afraid to say what they know to be true.With that in mind, for a while here, I will be turning on my comment moderation. All comments will be published whether I agree with them or not.However, any mean-spirited remarks, particularly those in response to other commenters, will not be published. Period. I’m not asking you to agree with me, I’m asking you to think about it before you write it down. Who knows, if we each can say what we think and be respectful about it, we might just find some common ground and find a way to move forward.

    Hugs,

    AP

    **Update five months later, Feb 10, 2013, one month after the law was to go into effect.Several people have asked me about the current status of the lawsuit, and while I am not an attorney, I’ll tell you what I know in a nutshell: Last fall, the district court deniedHobby Lobby’s claim as a religious institution, so then HL appealed to another court which is, currently, essentially, in limbo. You can read more about it here, although none of it really matters right now because HL hired lawyers to find a legal loophole that allows them to reset their insurance calendar back many months, thus proving time to wait out the court system and avoid $1.3 million dollar daily fine. So that sounds fun. If you would like to see a list of for-profit companies who have suddenly become religious institutions to avoid paying for their employees health insurance, take a gander over here.

    Also, unfortunately, many comments below were lost when I switched commenting service providers in January 2013. I apologize if yours was deleted or became “unthreaded.” Comments on this post are now closed.

    The Rightness of Trees

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    I once heard a marriage counselor say that the world is divided into two types of people. 
    Type 1 is one sort of person who likes to be right. They enjoy it. They seek it. They feel that being correct/good/valid about something means they (as a person) are correct/good/valid by proxy.
    Type 2 is the sort of person who does not like to be right because, if they are right, that means someone else has to be wrong. They will not seek to prove their point of view because it means someone else has to feel bad about the issue. And if the other person is feeling bad because of their actions, well, how could they let themselves feel good? Instead, they will hold back, bite their tongue, and accommodate by whatever means necessary.
    Neither one is better or worse. The world relies on Type 1’s to strive for progress and innovation (after all – they need to prove their point), while Type 2’s provide empathy and compassion. Interestingly, the counselor said that most successful marriages are composed of couples that fall on opposite sides of the table, but, she was sure to point out that  “most people who are successful in life fall somewhere toward the middle of the spectrum” she said, making elaborate, tai-chi esque hand gestures. 
    Since hearing this advice several years ago, I have come to conclude she was right – there are two types of people and the spectrum of “rightness” is wide. Very wide. And getting my own butt somewhere in the middle is a more difficult struggle than one might suspect.
    I have also concluded that the only thing I like less than an Extreme Type 1 Know-It-All Asshole, is a Mealy-Mouth with a Martyr Complex Type 2. As luck would have it, I am excellent at attracting both.
    Where am I going with this?
    The trees! Oh yes, I was writing a caption to this photo I took of these two trees at the WarrenDunes in Michigan a couple weeks ago (it’s a fun beach, btw — you should totally go).
    Thing is, you don’t usually see trees growing in the middle of the sand at the beach, do you?  Yet here these two stand all on their own. Isolated. Alone. One erect as a tin solider (Type 1, obv), while the other one is half-way to a back-flip trying to accommodate (a Type 2, natch). If the one on the right stood up straight, it would steal the light from the one on the left, and then the one on the left would peter away. Eventually the one on the right would remain, but would lack the strength to stand alone to weather to wind and rain, not to mention a frequent occurrence of sand storms. Both trees would eventually fail.
    Moral of the story: If you are a tree, don’t be an idiot and plant your roots in the middle of a sand dune. 
    Moral of the story 2: Next time you insist on asserting your opinion as what is right, look beside you and wonder if someone else is holding back so that you do not have to be wrong.
    Wow. This might be the world’s longest photo caption.
    ***
    I’m taking a break through the end of August and posting nothing but pictures… Details here.

    Bucket List Item #45

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    Bucket List Item #45: Own a carousel horse.

    Not the whole carousel, mind you, just the one horse. My place isn’t big enough for a whole carousel, and even if it was, I wouldn’t want one because then people would come over and expect free rides.

    Look, I’m nice, but not that nice.

    Anyway, like I said, just one horse would do the job. Preferably a metallic teal horse with a forked tongue like this gnarly dude riding the wave outside the Smithsonian in Washington DC. I’m pretty sure he is a Chinese water dragon. I could be wrong on that, though. When I google “Chinese water dragon” I get pictures of big lizards and not carousel horses, which is a shame, because, if there is one sort of carousel horse I do NOT want it would be the giant lizard variety. I don’t mean to sound discriminatory against lizards of any size, of course, but if this is making my bucket list I have a right to be choosy. No?

    I think I’ll call him Larry. He will hang above my kitchen sink (he’ll want to be near the water front, naturally) and I’ll look at him every time I go to do the dishes or wash my hands or run lemon rinds down the garbage disposal to keep it from smelling like old cat food. He will just hang there and be cool all day and remind me that, “Sometimes life runs in circles, but it’s the joy is not in the destination, the joy is in the doing.”

    And I’ll be all “Whoa dude, I didn’t even know you could talk with that forked tongue.”

    You will never look at scissors the same way.

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    What was the first movie you ever saw?
    Mine was The Adventures of Prince Achmed. 
    I was five. It was with my Grandnana. She wore her deep-pocket purple house coat to smuggle in two wax paper parcels of coffee cake, three pixie sticks, and a brown paper bag filled with gold fish crackers. She let me order an orange soda from the counter and drink it with a spoon. The whole thing. It was magical.
    The specialness of the occasion was two-fold, because, not only was it my first movie, it was her first movie too. She had seen the original Prince Achmed as a teenager when it was released in the late 1920s, and that day, when the local theater showed it as a Saturday matinee, she used me as an excuse to see it again for the first time in more than fifty years. I know she pretended it was for my benefit, but if you ask me, she would have been just as happy to go by herself. Double the coffee cake for Grandnana.

     

    I am glad Prince Achmed was my first movie and not some Mickey Mouse crap (no offense, Mouskateers). A movie theater is a transformative environment for anyone, children in particular, and for kids like me, who were/are especially fixated on visual stimulation, a movie like Prince Achmed was/is a mind blowing experience.

    If you are not familiar with silhouette animation, you need to see what I mean. Warning, the transitional text is in German, but you won’t need it:

    Prince Achmed is the oldest surviving animated feature film. It was created by Lotte Reiniger, who is arguably credited as the world’s first female motion picture maker. Most of her work was created using little more than paper, scissors and a simple camera on a multi-plane rig (Walt Disney later borrowed the idea to much success). She had an astonishing skill when it came to cutting – holding the scissors still in her right hand, and manipulating the paper with her left.

    Exercise: Try cutting out the shape of a house or an animal while holding the scissors still (spoiler alert: it’s Effing Impossible).

    Because her technique was so simple, she was able to take her work on the road for most of the 1930’s, making a slew of short films while bouncing around Europe and staying in places as long as the travel visas allowed, avoiding her native Germany and the Nazi party. Film was a new medium back then, and animated features were unheard of. I suspect making a living at an art form like this must have been precarious for Lotte. It makes me that much more appreciative of her efforts.  

    Click here for a fifteen minute documentary where you can seeing Lotte in action. Alone, the seriousness of the narrator’s voice makes it worth a looksee. Do they still make movies like this? Man, I hope so.
    Coincidentally, the documentary shows Lotte making my favorite character – Papageno. The story and music are extracted from Mozart’s The Magic Flute, which I had seen on stage twice, but never absorbed the story so well as when I saw Lotte’s version at Gene Siskell  a few years back. The birds are incredible. See what I mean – FF to 2:40 and watch how subtlety each parrot dings the individual bells: 

    How? What? Holy crap.  
    All done by hand.
    Wow.
    **in a similar vein
    • Harry Potter fans will recognize the liberal inspiration on loan from Lotte in The Tale of Three Brothers, from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
    • My other favorite paper artist, Michael Ocelot, made Les Trois Inventeurs, a short film made entirely from paper doilies. You need to see it. I warn you, there are no subtitles and it’s sad. Not like Old Yeller sad; French sad. Heartbreakingly beautiful.

    Champagne and Pizza Kind of Monday

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    Lady Violet, the Dowager Countess of Badass Passive Aggressiveness. 

    You guys, can we just talk about TV for a second?

    I don’t usually talk about TV in an Around-The-Water-Cooler-Kind-of-Way, but it’s January and if I feel like wallowing in the jowls of sloth  (read: my awesome couch) you’d better believe I am going to enjoy every last minute of it.

    Are you watching Downton Abbey? The second season just started here in the US, and like the first season, it’s amazeballs.

    Like I said, I don’t usually discuss TV around the water cooler, but this show has me wishing I worked somewhere with a water cooler JUST SO I COULD TALK ABOUT THIS SHOW. Lola can’t hold her end of the conversation when I’m all, Did you see what Bates’ ex wife did? Girl, please. Who does she think she is? Imma show her where to wear that feathered stupid stump hat. Stump hat. Stump hat cow. Yeah, I’ll show her to mess with Mr. Bates and his bum leg. Yeah I will!

    Cause I get really into these things.

    It doesn’t matter that Bates’ wife would now be, like, oh, 120 years old, or that she is a fictional character, I’m 100% ready to duke it out ALL OVER HER FACE.

    Keep in mind folks, we are talking about Masterpiece Theater here; a program based on delivering classic literature to the masses, like The Forsyth Saga, and Middlemarch, and Jane Eyre.

    Oooooooooooh…speaking of crazy bitches in the attic, are you watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on Bravo tonight? I can’t wait! I know it, or any reality show for that matter, feels a little bit trashy, but I can’t get enough of it. Watching their lives makes me feel so normal and good about myself. The season reunion is today. Woot! Countdown!  Looks like it’s going to be a champagne and pizza kind of Monday. 

    I made it black and white so it’s all classy and stuff.

    The Communism of Cake

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    Well, I don’t know about you, but I could use a slice of Tom Selleck right about now.

    This MOST AMAZING SLICE OF CHOCOLATE MUSTACHE cake is courtesy of  Alicia Policia, who  also created the fantabulous Muppet party I featured back in November. She made this cake TWO YEARS AGO and it irks me to think of all the time that went by without me knowing of its existence. How much cheerier would these years have been had known Tom Selleck cake was a life option?

    And while I am not as handy with a frosting tube as Alicia, you can bet I will be attempting my own version soon. I feel Inigo Montoya deserves to be rendered in cake, don’t you? Or Elvis. Or Cher. Maybe Liza Minelli. Oh crap, she already has a cake.

    Trust me, he looks better in cake.

    When I was in college my friend Joe, a cold war history buff, was obsessed with Mikhail Gorbachev, former General Secretary of Russia. Random: do we say Russia or USSR? Now it’s Russia but when Gobachev was in charge it was the USSR. Anyway, you get the point–Joe was crazy for Gorbachev so we hired a bakery to airbrush Gobachev’s picture on a sheet cake and lit it up with seventy gillion candles and surprised Joe for his birthday. It was amazing until someone started arguing about who got to eat the birthmark and someone else yelled IT BELONGS TO MOTHER RUSSIA and it all ended badly with a bottle of vodka catching fire from a birthday candle. There’s probably some “for each according to their need” Marxist fable to be taken from the incident but that’s a little too deep for this blog post. Bottom line is you can’t be greedy with cake, especially communist cake, and double especially with Tom Selleck cake. His mustache belongs to all of us.

    Guess Who’s Coming to Passover

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    Passover is more than a holiday laden with family, food, and wine; it’s a time for all of us to gather around the Seder table and remember those who struggled to survive, those who have past, and those who are still waiting for a Passover of their own.

    It’s a celebration. An enduring symbol of freedom and triumph over oppression.

    And if there was anyone who loves to talk about freedom and triumphing over oppression, it would be Charlie Sheen.

    Okay, okay, okay, I know he may have said some not-so-nice things about the people of Israel. That’s what makes it hilarious. And if Jews are good at anything, it’s laughing at batshit goyim.

    And while I appreciate a good glass of kosher for Passover Manischewitz, in all it’s grape jelly-esque goodness, there is something really appealing about serving Fools & Trolls at the Seder table.

    Zissen Pesach (Happy Passover Y’all. Or something like that.)

    Next year in Jerusalem!

    PS: My original intention was to publish these labels as printable online PDFs so you could use them too, but then my lawyer friend, the one who gets paid in cookies, advises me against it. Poo. Instead, if you want them, just email me directly and I’ll send you the PDF as an attachment. For personal and private use only.