|The Dirty Girl Scout
“Thing is, no one really knows what smurf tastes like.”
– Overhead on the street yesterday morning.
And you know something? They are right. Nobody knows the true taste of a smurf.
This prompted many questions in my mind…Who would eat a smurf? Who would serve a smurf? Where can I buy one? Can you cut it with a fork? Does it taste like chicken? You know, they always say new and exotic meats “taste just like chicken” but then one time I ate raccoon in ketchup and it certainly did not taste like chicken. It tasted like straight up raccoon.
I no longer like ketchup.
I digress…back to the smurf….so I posted the quote on facebook, and lo, thirty minutes later, Kelly informs me that “smurf” is a flavor of ice cream.
Ice cream!? No kidding. This prompts many more questions in my mind….Which came first, the flavor or the name? Whose job is it to name ice creams? Where does one apply for this job? I love ice cream and naming things more than, oh, um, ANYTHING. Where do I sign up?
So, in the off chance someone reading this blog works in the ice cream business and is in a position to hire, I am offering up a little Whitman sampler of my boundless potential as a professional ice cream namer. Here are some of my favorite ice cream combonations with nifty new names.
The *New* 31 Flavors o-o-o-o-o
1. Release the Kracken – Mexican chocolate fudge ripple with pretzels and roasted peanuts.
2. Jive Turkey – cinnamon French vanilla with apple pie filling, peppered with brown sugar pecans.
3. The Elvis – banana with peanut butter and bacon bits.
4. Dirty Girl Scout – dark chocolate with essence of mint and olive oil.
5. Dancing Zorbas – frozen Greek yogurt with blueberries and mint.
6. Lady Di – rose petal mouse with strawberry swirls.
7. Pippi Longstocking – fig with lemon zest, drizzled with warm caramel.
8. Kentucky Woman – sweet cream with a hint of bourbon and sprinkled with cornflakes. PS: I’m pretty sure someone needs to open an ice cream shop where all the flavors are named after Neil Diamond songs. I’m sort of shocked this hasn’t happened already. Pish Pish. Let’s get on it, people.
9. Bobaloo! – frozen banana custard with sweetened black beans.
10. Good Morning America – sweet cream topped with sliced bananas and cheerios. BTW: have you ever had cherrios on ice cream? It’s amazing. I’ll eat cheerios on anything. Cheerios on steak sounds pretty good to me.
11. Memoirs of a Geisha – cheesecake with a hint of wasabi.
12. Peppermint Wizard – pink peppermint swirled with sweet cream and rainbow sprinkles.
13. The Color of money – concrete mint yoghurt with dark chocolate shavings.
OK, so I only made it to 13. Fail 🙁
Y’all chime in the comments and see if we can come up with 31 flavors!
Who made “GET YOUR BUTT TO THE DENTIST ALREADY.” as one of their 2010 new years resolutions? Me.
Who waited to schedule an appointment until the last day of the year? Me.
Who is terrified and chewing out their anxiety on sweet-n-sour shoe leather candy? Me.
Who would be stupid enough to eat sweet-n-sour shoe leather candy, THE WORST possible breakfast in history of mankind, just before the dentist? Me.
And yes, those are Milk Duds in my purse.
And no, I’m not sharing.
|Fried Ice Cream, courtesy of Wholy Frijoles
Seriously, what’s up with figgy pudding?
People are always singing its praises at Xmas time but no one seems to know what it is. Have I ever seen it on a menu? No Ma’am. Have I ever enjoyed a slice in someone’s home? No Sir. Have I ever even seen the stuff in person? No Way Jose!
So, what’s up with that? What is figgy pudding anyway?
From Wikipedia: Figgy pudding is a pudding resembling something like a white Christmas pudding containing figs. The pudding may be baked, steamed in the oven, boiled or fried.
Wow, way to be vague, Wikipedia. Helpful much?
I think figgy pudding must be one of those English traditions that never quite made it to us here in America. You know, like tea time and professional soccer and the ability to wear plaid year round. Anyone in the UK reading this should feel free to enlighten me on the matter. I’m curious–Do y’all really enjoy goose and fig pudding every Christmas, or did Charles Dickens color my imagination?
Well, the fact remains; there is a serious lack of figgy pudding in my community. So, I say, we all go in together and start a new whole new tradition! I suggest we use fried ice cream.
|Mmmmm……it’s sure to be a Clean Plate Club Christmas!
Have you ever had fried ice cream? It’s amazing. They serve it at Mexican restaurants. No, not Taco Bell, silly, I mean like the classy places that hire mariachis in sequin hats to sing LaBamba by table side. You know, authentic Mexican.
Don’t ask me how they make it, but it’s crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. Sometimes they serve it on a tortilla that’s been flash fried and sprinkled with cinnamon. You’ll take one bite and your senses will be so frazzled and confused you’ll let out a giant honking noise that will scare off the mariachis (I can speak from experience on that one).
And, you know what else? Fried ice cream has almost as many syllables as figgy pudding! That means, if we all join together in a group effort, we can reassign lyrics to the song.
We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;
Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Oh, bring us fried ice cream;
Oh, bring us fried ice cream;
Oh, bring us a fried ice cream and a cup of good cheer!
I’m also pretty sure we can swap out good cheer for Diet Coke.
What? It’s a thought 🙂
|Noeleen’s Nutella Thumb Buttons and various cookies from D’Amato’s Bakery, courtesy of Dan and Yasmin.Thanks Y’all!
- 1 part butter
- 1 part powdered sugar
- 1 part pecans
- 2 part flour
- 1 spoon vanilla
- 1/2 spoon salt
- ½ dash of cayenne pepper
- Combine butter, half the powdered sugar and vanilla. Mix with a beater til fluffy like ponds cold cream (that’s a direct quote)
- Add flour, salt and barely mix until blended.
- Taste the dough, adjust as needed.
- Shape into 3 logs and put in fridge for one hour to overnight.
- Slice the dough into ¼” slices and shape into crescents.
- Bake cookies at 350 for 15 minutes or until lightly browned on top. Remove cookies from the baking sheet immediately and roll them in the remaining powdered sugar.
- Eat and enjoy!
*Note: this is a no-fail base dough. You can add jam or dip in chocolate or any number of other amazing things. Have fun. Your welcome.
*Note: Pecan is pronounced PEEcan, rhymes with he can or we can. If you pronounce it peKAHN you’re doing it wrong and the wrath of the nut is inevitable. If your cookies come out poorly, don’t look at me. It was your fault and all those years of saying that poor little nut’s name wrong.
I repeatedly have to remind myself: you are not writing a food blog…you are not writing a food blog…there are thousands of fabulous food blogs already…no one wants to hear about your ugly chicken marinated in diet coke…blog about something else…you are not writing a food blog…
But Y’all, sometimes I can’t help it. The force is too strong. I can’t contain it. This cake busted out of the oven like some kind of Liza Minelli, all sparkly and crazy eyed, making jazz hands, dancing as fast as she can and singing Cabaret songs as LOUD AS SHE CAN in hopes you will forget who her mother was and that creepy phase when she married a gay guy who had way too much plastic surgery but it’s ok because he made her feel special.
This cake deserves to feel special, too. This cake deserves your love. You can’t turn down the volume on this one: this is The Liza Minelli of Cake.
Note: There is zucchini in here, so really, this is basically health food.
*If you are not a chocolate person: this is probably going to gross you out.
*If you are a chocolate person: get ready to blow your mind! This cake is so easy to make, and so decadent that it’s hard for me to eat more than a sliver. Look, I realize you probably don’t know the severity of my chocolate addiction, but let me tell you something; for me to say suggest “a sliver” is pretty effin profound. This is serious business.
• 1 stick of unsalted butter, softened
• 4 large eggs
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• ½ teaspoon Louisiana Hot Sauce
• 1 cup sour cream
• 1 box Devil’s Food cake mix (18.05 oz, preferably with pudding in the mix, but no big deal)
• 1 large zucchini, shredded and laid on paper towels to absorb excess moisture
• Half a bag of mini semisweet chocolate chips
• Optional: 1 cup chopped pecans
• Optional: ½ tsp cinnamon
- Grease and flour a 13”x9”12 cake pan.
- Heat oven to 350°
- Mix wet stuff til its good and sloppy.
- Mix in box of cake mix until it’s well incorporated.
- Mix in the zucchini, chocolate chips, and anything else that’s strikes your fancy. Don’t overbeat.
- Spoon the batter into the prepared pan and bake for 40 to 50 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean when inserted in the center of the cake.
- Cool completely.
Ingredients (slightly altered from this recipe from Bakerella)
• 1 cup chopped peanut butter cups + plus more for garnishing (I used 2 bags)
• 8 oz. semi sweet chocolate chips
• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1/4 cup peanut butter
• ½ teaspoon salt
- Bring cream to a slight boil and then pour over chocolate chips. Whisk until chocolate melts. Add peanut butter and salt and whisk until smooth. Let it cool until thick.
- Remove cake from 13×9” pan, turn on to flat surface and cut in half to make 2 cakes.
- Slather ganache on one half, stack the layers, then smooth a thin layer of ganache all over as a crumb coat. Let it set 15 minutes.
- Go back and spread the rest of the ganache. Allow it to set for another 15 minutes then gently press remaining chopped peanut butter cup pieces all over top and sides of cake. Place in refrigerator for about an hour to set.
- Remove, serve, tap dance!
My friend Kiki Bird went away for a week and left me in charge of her children-with-fur, Tzeitel and Yentl. Obviously I wasn’t going to let their super-model-quality good looks go undocumented and we spent most of the weekend taking pictures and laying in sun spots. A good time was had by all.
When Bird got home, we had a feeling she was going to need a pick me up.
To be specific, yellow sour cream cake with chocolate frosting.
You want some.
So what if it was just a doctored up box of cake mix and a can of frosting –it took 10 minutes of prep time and tasted amazing. I can’t explain why rainbow sprinkles make everything better. They just do. It’s a scientific fact.
We made tiny slits in drinking straws to serve as the base, and then cut letters from a colorful slop mat used in the Great Crayon Melting Experiment of 2009, an historic event that resulted in the loss of hair and feeling in one finger.
Just as I finished the sprinkles, Tzeitel stuck her paw up on the counter, cocked her head to the side, and said, you know what, those sprinkles would look totally hot if you put them all over your face. Maybe you should slather yourself with that jar of Vick’s Vapo Rub and see if the sprinkles will stick. Its gonna look super cute and it won’t make your eyes sting what-so-ever. And I was all, yeah Tzei, that’s a great idea. Why don’t you kitties give makeup tips more often?
Pretty sure my Crazy Cat Lady ranking just exploded.
Welcome home Bird!