Dear Kitchen,
I know, I know. You need a full-sized Christmas tree like I need a hole in the head, but this needed to happen. Home Depot was selling five foot spruces for $12.98 and how was I going to say no to that?
I know, I know. It’s weird to put a tree in one’s kitchen but I kept it dignified, didn’t I? No lights or ornaments or nothing. Just some black and white buffalo check cotton torn into pieces.
You hear that? Torn.
All burly and stuff. It’s like a lumberjack tree. Kitchen, you are like mighty, masculine forest, harboring a super manly, totally-non-foofy, lumberjack tree. So what if I made bows? You are virile. You can handle bows, you big sweaty hunk of utility, you!
I know, I know, I know, Kitchen, I said I would quit putting sparkly things in you after I emasculated you by wallpapering the fridge…and stuffing your pantry with Easter baskets…and collecting granny china…but this tree….THIS TREE.
So what if it drops needles like a heroin addict? So what if it hurts to touch? I’m not going to make out with it. It just needs to sit there and be cute. Kitchen, just listen to that tree, it’s saying “Hay, look at me, I smell good. I’m pretty. Buy me things!”
And she only cost $12.98. How was I to say no to a pretty little thing like that?
And listen, Kitchen, I know you hate all these wreaths I’m hanging on you, but embellishments never killed anyone. If I can survive your linoleum floors, you can survive the holidays.
Don’t act like you don’t need some Christmas spirit, Kitchen. Do I need to break out the stereo and Mannheim Steamroller?
Don’t make me go there. You know I’ll go there.
Kitchen, are you scared yet?
Let me in your fridge!!
-AP
you did the right thing (and kitchen will forgive you if [s]he hasn’t already)…it’s absolutelyfreakingreat. 🙂
LOL, I have a Christmas Tree in my kitchen every year and it is glam. Even though it is up on a table all three kitties mess with it and I find my snowmen on the floor and hear bells ringing that give them away. They then look at me with cute eyes and meow and I can’t be but so mad. One year LB actually climbed the tree and got stuck. Good thing most all of the ornaments are unbreakable….Hey Peaches, have you seen that you can make snowmen from coffee creamer bottles, Country Time containers and socks? If you are interested I can give links….
i love it!!! hmmmm…i think we need to go to home depot today our kitchen is looking a little bare 🙂
hmmmmm, I think it needs something…..like, um…..how’bout cookie cutters and miniature cupcake wrappers….and a little glitter? C’mon, ya’know ya wanna!
Lynn in southern NJ, being a troublemaker >;-)>
P.S. what’s going on up on top of your refrigerator? — Lynn 😉
Adore the tree with manly bows! “Dropping needles like a heroin addict.” Bwahaha! “Embellishments never killed anyone.” Or have they??? I’m thinking there’s an episode of the new Murder, She Wrote in that sentence.
How-oh-how do you tie such perfect bows?? Mine are always lopsided with the fabric wrong-side-out on one of the loops. It’s not classy. Once upon a time, Kirstie Alssopp explained on her Christmas TV show how to tie the perfect bow, but her hands moved like lightning and I never discovered the trick!
i too, have a tree in my kitchen. it’s my mini tree. it’s my favorite. mini trees are my favorite and my best.