Hey Lady! How you livin?
I know, I know…It’s been a rough week for you. First your supreme court released The Kracken, then your soccer team flunked out of the World Cup (it was sweet how you thought that was going to go somewhere). The good news is it’s your birthday. HOLLA! Who else gets to mark their special day with hundreds of thousands of cookouts, millions of cans of domestic beer, and highly calculated explosions of gunpowder? That’s all you, America. Git it gurl!!!!
Last year I wrote you a letter asking you to be less slutty. I’m not really sure if you are there yet, especially since that Edward Snowden started releasing your snapchats, but I can tell you are working on it. And that’s cool. Because I’m working on me too.