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Archives for May 2013

Bramble Patch May 2013

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A quick list of happy distractions over the last month.

A snapshot from my nightly walk home.

The guy who invented plastic flamingos has been dressing in matching outfits with his wife for 35 years. This is easily The Best Thing I have ever encountered that did not come on a spoon.

A boy left his bike chained to a tree when he went away to war in 1914. He never returned, leaving the tree no choice but to grow around the bike.  Stunning.

Because I have been, ahem, short with people in recent days (no diet coke + big event at work next week = RAWR)…a friend suggested I get this book. Actually, I got the app. It’s oddly helpful. Don’t get me wrong,  I’m still in snaggle-tooth bitch mode, but it’s helpful for those times when you get wrapped up the small things and lose perspective.

Speaking of people with a great sense of perspective (#SERIOUSFACE), did you read about the goat rodeo at Amy’s Baking Company? Holy cats. I thought I was going to have to bust out the popcorn just to get through the Facebook feed.

Now let’s talk about something important: Wall Decals. I have never been big on wall decals, but this castle has me a flutter. As a headboard, perhaps? Or what about these Keith Haring table tops? Too awesome. I say, too awesome.

Windows. Nothing like a sunny spring day to make you realize your windows are covered in filth, right? But, how do you clean second floor windows on the outside without a power hose? For real, this is not a new problem for mankind but when I ask second floor people they’re all “Uh, a hose?” … Uh, WTF? A hose just sprays more dirty city water. I need a proper wash. With soap. I’m thinking this plus a mop on a stick is it. Right? Tips welcome.

Martha says these 13 paint colors are no-fail. I’m leaning toward #12 Lancaster blue for my bedroom ceiling, although they all look pretty swell. And only a couple of them are from her paint line so you know they can’t be bad.  Marge isn’t one to miss a self-promotion opp.

Speaking of self promotion; Design Sponge, Apartment Therapy, and a bunch of other random places covered my wallpapered fridge. Then Huffington Post liked the inside of my freezer. Then Alli from Misfit Isle gave me the sweetest write-up imaginable. I was having an especially rough day when I saw this. Leave it to a random act of kindness from a total stranger to totally turn around a bad day. Hooray!
 

Do you have a favorite recent distraction? Tell me about it. Brownie points for cat videos.

I am Breaking Up with Diet Coke

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I used to work for a woman who would bring her Kindergarten aged son into the office on occasion. He was one of those unusually well-behaved kids who was happy to play by himself in the corner most of the time. Trucks. Cars. Dinosaurs. Truck driving dinosaurs. Truck driving office supplies. It was pretty cool.

One day when his toys were gone and the truck driving staplers had all fallen off a cliff and exploded, I sat down on the ground and we colored together.

I drew a sunrise, a house, and a cat.

He drew his dog, a car and rainbow, most of which looked like spaghetti and meatballs…and then he drew me. Holding something. 

It took me a minute to recognize it. He didn’t have it in him to draw my feet or hands or nose, but a can with red stripes? He got that part perfectly.

“Dylan, why did you draw that?”

“Because you always have it.”

I am breaking up with Diet Coke.

We have been together for more than 100 ounces a day, every day for over a decade. Do you know what 100 ounces looks like?

A bucket.

It is the first thing I reach for each morning and the last thing I consume each night, but that is all over now. I could ramble on about the one hundred reasons why I am giving it up, or the research involved, or the months I have been thinking about it, the times I tried before and failed, but this isn’t that kind of blog. And if there is one thing I can’t stand, it’s someone telling me what I can or can’t or should or shouldn’t do with my body, so I am not going to do that to you.

However…

Many of the people I see every day read this blog. Most of them are now saying “How is she going to do that? I’ve never seen her without a Diet Coke in her first. Will her hand fall off?”

This is a legitimate concern. And I don’t know what the outcome will be. But I do know, if you see me, I am counting on you to brow beat me with a wet noodle if you see me even thinking about a Diet Coke.

Research says that one of the most effective ways to overcome an addiction is to tell everyone you know about your struggle, that way, you will feel guilt AND humiliation if they see you falling back in bad habits. So that’s fun.

So, here I am, in the most public forum I have, proclaiming my Diet Coke days are done. We are so over! I am not going to say we will never see each other again, but our relationship has ended for good. If there was a Taylor Swift song to commemorate this breakup, I would insert the youtube video below. As is, I’ll settle for a broody hipster quote graphic.


Anyone else out there have any luck overcoming a serious soda addiction? I’m all ears. Just please don’t suggest that horsecarp  “Drink lots of water!” Because I am here to tell you, ten days in to this thing, water is not cutting it. Soooooooo NOT cutting it.

Uncle Henry

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I bought a painting of Uncle Henry.

No, he is not my Uncle Henry, that’s just the name the dude behind the counter at the thrift store called him.

Curious, I asked, How do you know his name is Henry? Or that he is an Uncle?

We don’t. That’s what we came up with.

You know anything else about him?

Uhhh….well, I said he is someone’s uncle but the manager say he is bank president. Jeanine say he is grandpa. Jorge, Jorge he say he is in the Serbia mafia and has a tattoo sleeve.

A whole entire SLEEVE of tattoos?

Yeah man.

What kind?

Skulls and stuff. Thorns. Maybe some babies or something. You can’t see it under the suit jacket.

None of my other portrait paintings have tattoos or mob ties. Way to bring diversity, Uncle Henry.

 

Two Dollars of Awesome: Polka Dot Label Vase

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I’m bored.

Let’s make nifties with office supplies.


Round labels + dollar store vase/drinking glass = polka dot vase.

BAM.

And here is some more math: $1 vase/glass + $1 labels + Free lilacs (snipped off tree) = Two Dollars of Awesome

BA-BAM-Bop-BAM. BAM!

You’re welcome.


I love having a vase full of lilacs on the table. They don’t last long but it makes me feel like Patty and Selma from The Simpsons are over for dinner.

Also, if/when you decide to take the labels off the vase, just fill the vase with ice cold water. Condensation will take affect in a few minutes and loosen the labels from the inside out. That’s a nifty trick worth remembering in general when it comes to labels on glass. Wax on glass is a different trick.

PS: This craft was inspired by these polka dotted jars from Lemon Jitters. Check her out!

One Big Undulating Ball of Salacious Rhinestones.

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In late 2009 I received a google alert directing me to a news article stating that Steven Soderbergh was shopping around a movie based on the life of Liberace.

Yes, I have a google alert set for “Liberace.”

You could say I’m a fan.

I’m not saying the costumes are bad, I’m just saying they need more sequins.

Since that google alert in 2009, following the production of this movie has reduced me to near-stalkerhood. It would be embarrassing if it wasn’t so fabulous.

First they couldn’t get anyone to pick it up because it was “too gay”, then HBO picked it up, then they cast DEBBIE “MOTHER OF TAFFETA” REYNOLDS as Liberace’s mother, thennnnn, sigh, then it got halted because Michael Douglas had cancer. However, Douglas, like a champ, recovered and came back to snog face with Matt Damon, who plays Scott Thorson – Liberace’s lover, who wrote the book that the movie is based on (I won’t ruin the story – let’s just say,  it didn’t end well).  Interestingly, Thorson is now jail for identity theft (unrelated to anything in the movie), but just knowing that tid-bit of perspective makes this whole thing one big undulating ball of salacious rhinestones.

Ughhhh! Why must I wait three more days?   


Behind the Candelabra premiers on HBO, Sunday, May 26, 9PM Eastern.

Liberace fans, here – chomp on this interview with Soderbergh that was on NPR yesterday.

Not-Yet Liberace Fans Who Are Thinking of Watching the Movie – consider watching this clip of the real Liberace and Thorson on stage in 1981. The bubble machine above the bathtub is my favorite part.

Let’s Talk About People Who are Awesome

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It’s Tuesday. I was planning on another post but it’s been a crap day for a lot of people, including me. In light of this, I propose we take a chocolate break and spend a minute talking about people who are awesome. Like…

…for example, Yetta Rosenberg.

Homegirl knows how to dress.

Why is this show not on the air anymore? So much awesome. So much!

Also in the awesome club: People who build fences around trees. Not with trees, around trees. Like this..

These fences belong to my neighbors. They are awesome. They say “The tree was here before us. It deserves our respect.” How cool are my neighbors?

And here is someone I think is pretty cool: The lady who recognized her kid was a bully and got creative with her solution. Unorthodox, perhaps.  Effective, certainly. Child development issues aside, mostly I admire this lady for having the balls to see her child objectively (we talked about this before). Snaps to you, lady. Snaps to you.

…and speaking of snappy dressers, let’s talk about this gal:

Cher. It was her 67th birthday yesterday and she is still kicking butt and taking names. How awesome is she? You tell ‘em, Cher!

And, as long as we have our Native American flair out, let’s talk about some other people…

Thoughts and prayers to everyone recovering from tornadoes today, both literal and metaphoric. Let’s take a lesson from Oklahoma and keep an eye out for one another.

Hugs!

-AP




My Diet Coke still tastes like pool water.

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There is this thing called bleach dyeing that is all the rage. Or, at least it was all the rage. I’m not sure where it is in the current trend cycle, but when I woke up early Saturday morning with a desperate need for patterned curtains in my living room, it was a means to an end. Have you seen bleach dyeing? It sorta looks like that time your mom spilled bleach on your favorite black sweatshirt, but this time it’s on purpose. Some people splatter it on their jeans, some people draw it on with a bleach pen, and some people take a reverse-tie-dye approach – that was me. I had two sets of dark eggplant-colored curtains from Ikea. Totally free to me, leftover from a friend’s former apartment (it pays to be a hoarder!). Nice and thick. 100% cotton, too. Perfect for bleaching, right?

Wrong.

This is what I was going for…

This is in process…

This is what I got…

Not only did the fabric FREAK OUT, each set of curtains FREAKED OUT in a different way.  Yes, same bleach/water solution and the same amount of time.  I’m guessing the fabric came from two different dye batches in the first place. Just my luck, right? One came out pink and purple with hardly any markings, one came out yellow with big red splotches all over. I showed this pic from my phone to a friend and asked what color they would use to describe these. Answers…

“ketchup and mustard”

“after the axe murderer”

“a used maxi pad”

So that was fun.

They smell awful. Even after two rounds in the washing machine they can’t come inside. I had to sling them over the back banister just to take this crappy photo. I’m sure the neighbors see this and think I killed someone.

To top it all off, in this glorious process, I think I gave myself a mild case of chlorine poisoning. Awesome. No, for real: I seriously doubt anyone will try this based on my review here, but if you do, do this OUTSIDE ONLY. Working in a sink under an open window with a fan and gloves is not enough.  Sooooo not enough. My Diet Coke still tastes like pool water. And if that isn’t a cautionary tale, I don’t know what is.

Woe is the tale of patterned curtain seeker!

To see a more successful bleach dyeing endeavor, click here.

Happy Weekend

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Oy. Am I glad it’s Friday.

Work has been busy. Like real busy. And when it’s not busy, I look up and find window washers making vulgar hand gestures and singing Puerto Rican folks songs.

Soooo…that’s pretty awesome.

Speaking of offices, I missed The Office finale last night. Was it good? A friend texted me that there was a wedding with cats in attendance. AGHH! I need to see this!

Newsprint Cabinets

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So, this thing happened last spring wherein I decoupaged my kitchen cabinets with newspaper.

BAM!

You didn’t see that one coming did you? Newspaper and ready-made cabinets dancing together in some unorthodox swirl of muskrat love. How’s that for a Wednesday?

Okay, okay, this opens up two lines of questions…

1. Dude, wtf? Why would you want to decoupage your cabinets like some reject TGIFridays? Couldn’t you just paint them like a normal person?

The cabinets were melamine front (essentially plastic). Painting would have been awesome, but painting required sanding the melamine indoors, which is highly toxic and would be a pain in the butt, not to mention a major respiratory risk to Lola (mi gatita). No go. I tried some liquid sanding products and neither one were adequate products in my book. One wasn’t aggressive enough, the other was too aggressive, smelled awful, and left an uneven surface.  So I said aloud to nobody in particular, “Screw it, let’s Mod Podge this mo fo!”
 
If I hated it, I had a plan B. It was called Ikea. This room will likely get a larger overhaul down the line, but for now, this is fun way to bring the funk to a boring old kitchen.

2. This is from  a year ago? Why are you telling me about it now?

I wanted to be sure it would stand up to a year of cooking and cleaning before I recommended this method to anyone else. You know? That’s important sometimes. It annoys the crap out of me when DIY bloggers post about stuff knowing that the results won’t withstand the test of time. I mean, okay, that’s one thing when it’s some crafty doo-dah, but kitchen cabinets are the real deal. I don’t know that anyone reading this will actually attempt to decoupage their cabinets, but if they do, I don’t want some chunk to fall off in their spaghetti sauce. Quality counts.

One year later…

They have been splattered, scratched, picked at, roughed up and scuffed up non-stop for one year and they are just as good as ever. A month after the paper went on I sealed with outdoor Mod Podge, but that was it. I kept some newsprint as scrap in case I need to patch something someday, but so far it has not been necessary. The one thing that did change was the newsprint – it went from grey to yellow in just a couple of months – which is what I wanted, so that’s fine, although it made me switch the hardware to brass a while back. Yes, I’m a fickle one. 

The Glue

This is what I used to adhere newsprint (highly porous) to melamine cabinets (non-porous) and make it look slightly aged at the same time:

  • Two parts Mod Podge
  • One part Wood Glue
  • One part Diet Coke (could swap for Dr. Pepper or Coffee or whatever, you could swap for water) ….Why Diet Coke? I wanted the acid in the soda to set off the acid in the newsprint and make it yellow faster. Initially I wanted to have old-looking newsprint with new-looking hardware. Then that looked weird, then I tried some stuff, then I settled on old-ish brass. Well, aren’t you glad that got sorted out?
Prepare for this project to take over your entire kitchen for at least two days.

The Doozing
This is the same as any other decoupage project only bigger; slap on the glue, slap on the paper, slap on some more glue. If you are not familiar with basic arts and crafts decoupage, please, for the love of sequins, start there there before you embark on a major project like cabinetry. It’s easy but don’t bite off more than you can chew.

Tips

  • Use your fingers to smooth things out after the brushes are done. 
  • Use a lightweight paper and crumple it up beforehand (the crumples will allow the paper to absorb the adhesive better and give a smother finish). 
  • Use a finishing sealer. I thought mixing the woodglue into the adhesive mix would stand up to wear and tear — and it did on the fronts, but around the edges it started to get a little frayed.  After the cabinets cured for a few weeks I used outdoor Mod Podge (–it’s easy to control, but you can get spray-on finishes just about anywhere).

I realize 99.999995% of the people reading this will never do this, but, IF YOU ARE REALLY CONSIDERING DOING THIS…

If you really do this, the adhesive is everything. Everything. The adhesive recipe I use to attach paper to melamine front cabinets might be different than the one you use to attach fabric to poly-sealed wood cabinets, or glossy magazine paper to metal. Stuff varies. Do a test patch and let it set a week before doing the whole thing. Okay, okay? And if you do try it, send me a picture!

Sequels Wanted

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Sometimes something is so good that I get ticked off when it’s gone. Like, real ticked.  I find myself sitting at stoplights thinking, impatiently, When are they going to bring THAT back?  Haven’t they made me wait long enough?!

Because, you know, they do this to me on purpose.

Item 1. Six Feet Under. Best show ever. It’s about a funeral home and it’s rad. Notice how I’m not using the past tense? I just assume these characters are going on in real time, they just aren’t filming yet. When can HBO get past this point and pick up where we left off? I don’t care if Michael C. Hall is currently a moonlighting as an axe murderer on Dexter, as far as I’m concerned, he spends his days as the funeral director at the Fisher-Diaz Mortuary. Guys, I’m here, let me in!

Item 2. Diet Coke Black Cherry Vanilla. Like this even needs explaining. Angels wept when they discontinued this creation of wonder. I understood when Pepsi clear got the axe, but this? This was amazing.  It was caffeine with a hit of sweet and sour all at once.  No calories. Serve with pretzels and carrot sticks and call it a day. DCBCV, when are you coming back to me?

Item 3. CocoNelly the Cat Rap. Currently relegated to the list of One Hit Wonders of 2007, Coco is now six years past due for a comeback. Coco, oh Coco, wherefore art thou, Coco?

….Update!  I was just informed that Coco past away in 2012. Oh sad news 🙁  RIP Lil’ Coco. You were a legend before your time….Also, just sayin’, if the Fisher family had its act together they could have handled your funeral, but that wasn’t an option, which makes the situation even more tragic). Big tummy scritches, Lil Coco. We’ll see you at the scratching post in the sky!