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KISS ME I’M 1/16 UZBECKISTANIAN!

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Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day.

Especially around here.

Between the river and the fountains turning green, the nightly bagpipe parades, the swarm of leprechaun top hats, the “remnants” of drunkards staggering out of the bars…the spirit of St. Paddy infuses itself into every corner of Chicago.

It’s like the Emerald City.

But without the munchkins.

And lots of vomit.

About the dye…
Rest assured, it’s non-toxic and perfectly safe. The same stuff is used all over the world by sewer/water reclamation folks to monitor flow rates. Odd fact: it comes out of the canisters bright orange.

Thanks, Rats!

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Look what I found…

Took out the garbage this weekend and do you know what I found? The most extraordinary turquoise and purple berries. Aren’t they wonderful?

Y’all, I swear to you these images are not photoshoped.  This is the real deal. They are turqoise and purple. Now, when was the last time you saw a turquoise and purple plant? If you can identify another plant that simultaneously blooms/or/blossoms/or/berries turquoise and purple, I’ll send you a box of paper flowers (no kidding here folks, I have twelve tons of paper flowers and sincerely want to know if there is more of this stuff out there. Let’s trade!)

The vine appears to originate right from the crack between my back fence and the garbage cans in the alley. Can you believe that?  Well you know I hopped on to do some internet research quick and found out they are Porcelian Berries, and are considered to be, get this: a weed.

A weed? Seriously? How could anything so beautiful be considered a weed?

So I called my friend Nancy who knows about these things, who confirmed, yes, they are invasive and undesirable, and no they are not unusual. Nancy also told me that, this time of year, urban alleys like mine are the best places to find exotic berry vines.

Apparently rats are the ones spreading all the fun around…they eat the berries and scamper away, only to, ahem, “release” the berries out the other end while foraging for garbage in the alley. She said the vines will sprout and thrive in the alley for years before anyone bothers to try and hack them down. In some cases, they may even grow into free-standing bushes and trees like the beautiful orange and red ones below. Well you know, the second she said that I had to go back out in the alley and take a look for myself.

She was right. There were berries everywhere. Blue ones, red ones, fat ones, tiny ones, and even some orange cherry looking things. I always knew there were plenty of vines crawling up the fences, but never took the time to walk around in the autumn to look for berries. Man, what have I been missing? And to think it’s all on account of the rats.

Thanks, Rats!

Look whats growing up my alley telephone pole! Grapes!!!


It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood!

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Welcome to Hyde Park: expect long lines, political satire and serious candy.

Is there a neighborhood in your area that is known for spectacular Christmas lights? You know, the one where neighbors get competitive trying to out-do each other until one day someone ends up with a live alpaca* and a Santa sleigh on the roof?

You know, THAT neighborhood.  Well, imagine THAT neighborhood, but swap Christmas for Halloween, then throw in ten thousand children, 25 metric tons of candy, blaring music, a few fog machines, then shake and stir: welcome to Hyde Park!

Would you like to be known as “the house with the headless mummies”?

If you are ever in Chicago this time of year, you need to get your butt down to Hyde Park. No one does Halloween quite like Hyde Parkers. It’s a point of pride. Everyone participants. Everyone. Even those of us who have been over-scheduled slackers who couldn’t do more than make some luminaries and buy candy and feel bad because we got hungry and ate half the candy before the first kid rang the bell it lead to bellyaching on the couch for hours.

*blushing*

My friends who live in the suburbs tell me they most often recognize their neighbors by their car. Hyde Park folks most often recognize each other by their Halloween decor.

Real conversation:

“You know the Hirshes? The ones with headless mummies on the porch?”
“Oh yeah, the ones that dress their Labrador like a dragon, right?”
“No, no, that’s the Calvin’s house. The Calvins have the dragon dog and the Hirshes have the graveyard driveway.”
“Oh yeah, of course, the graveyard driveway. Now I know.”

One year my friend Josh sat on the steps of his apartment building and handed out candy dressed as a dead bride. Five years later, neighbors see him at the corner store and say  “Hey man, where is your veil?”

Harper Street traffic is shut down to make way for thousands of pedestrians and a 20′ scarecrow  

The crossroads to all the Hyde Park Halloween hoopla is 57th and Harper. It’s almost like a block party, but hardly anyone at the party lives on the block. See, trick-or-treating isn’t exactly safe in every neighborhood in Chicago, so the Harper Street folks put on a show and welcome children from all over the city. It’s a wonderful tradition, not to mention, Serious Business. Sometimes I think I would love to live on Harper so I could join in the spectacle, but then I think of all the time and expense that goes into the Halloween season and thank my lucky stars I don’t live anywhere near Harper Street. Folks on Harper prepare for months. My friend Jeanna’s parents rented a house on Harper a few years ago and reported purchasing 2,000 mini boxes of Milk Duds, only to run out of goodies by 7pm.

TWO THOUSAND BOXES OF MILK DUDS Y’ALL.

Lots of University of Chicago folks live on Harper Street, including the skeleton of a law student who died of boredom reading “Criminal Procedure and the Constitution”….and down the block, the Ghost of Davy Crockett who hands out candy alongside anecdotes of American history.

Election years are the best. Every two years, Halloween is guaranteed to fall within a few days of the election and it makes for great fun. In addition to its most famous **resident, Hyde Park is home to the University of Chicago, and like most college towns folks tend to be pretty politically active/aware. On any given day of the year, it’s not unusual to find neighbors engaging in a friendly argument over foreign trade policy or health care legislation or religious convictions, etc.. Hyde Parkers don’t shy away from confrontation, even when it comes to infusing political ideologies into their Halloween decorations. For a number of reasons I’m not going to show you pictures of any overtly political Halloween themed decorations this year, sufficient to say, there was and ample supply of zombie tea parties and references to a certain “witch” in Delaware.

Never a dull moment in Hyde Park.

* That alpaca on the roof story is totally true.
** President Obama officially resides in Hyde Park, although I have never tried trick-or-treating the Secret Service. Next year 😉

Adventures in Chinatown

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Some women are crazy about shoes. Some like diamonds. Some like small dogs…house wares…cosmetics…Beanie Babies…

Me? I’m all about paper. Any kind of paper: wrapping paper, tissue paper, candy wrappers, coffee filters, old maps, vintage books, foreign magazines, blue prints, dryer sheets, Monopoly money, craft scraps, postcards, damaged holiday decorations…I compulsively hoard save it.

Joss paper is one of my favorites (see photo above, top right). Y’all just look at that! Isn’t it gorgeous? All saffron and gold and pink and wonderful. Lovely stuff. It’s also called ghost money or spirit money…people burn it as a way of worshiping ancestors and deities in traditional Chinese ceremonies and funerals (click here for a better explanation).  Not only is it gorgeous, it’s super cheap: $5 for 500 sheets. Only downside to joss paper is that you need access to a good Asian market to get your hands on it. Hence, a wonderful excuse for a weekend excursion to Chinatown!

Chinatown Chicago is about 10 square blocks, which is pretty puny compared to cities on the west coast, but man, it is really something you need to experience! The colors, the sounds, the SMELLS!  It’s all packed in there like sardines; Chinese teas, rice paper lanterns, rotisserie duck by the dozen, herbal medicines, jade fountains, silk slippers, porcelain bibelots, wooden monkeys, firecrackers, golden piggy banks the size of toddlers, finger traps…My favorite store is an unabashed tourist trap. The walls are covered in silk robes and hundreds of lanterns and firecrackers hang from the ceiling. It’s like you died and went to live inside To Wong Foo, Thanks for everything Julie Newmar.

Of course the restaurants are amazing too. But Chinatown is a great place for more than just shopping and food –it’s a great way to expose yourself to something new and strange and wonderful. You know, shake things up! I admit, it’s slightly disorienting to be somewhere that doesn’t always print signs or price tags in English, but it’s also pretty nifty for someone like me who grew up thinking Panda Express was a cultural learning experience. Maybe I’m a hick, but everything in Chinatown seems so exotic and interesting. I can’t get enough of it.

Chinese folks are crazy about dragons. I read somewhere that dragons are considered the “Governors of Rain” or something but I’m pretty sure it’s more than just that.  Dragons are everywhere in Chinatown, even on top of all the light posts.  This one shop sold the giant dragons they use in new years parades. You know, where 10 people line up under the body and dance in big swirling patterns. So cool! That one up on the left, which is actually a lion, was priced at $139. Pretty incredible when you consider the time it took to create it!  If I had a grand staircase or 2 story ceilings, I would love to hang one of those dragons mid air. Wouldn’t that be awesome? It would scare the crap out of Lola, but dang, it sure would be cool!

There are several stores devoted to herbal medicine, including one that sells ginko in barrels (above right), and there on the top left, can you read the label on the jar of dirty looking worms? It says: CORDYCEPS: $1055.00 PER TEAL =1.33oz .

#1 Holy Cats!
#2 How do I get in the cordyceps growing business?!

And then there is the exotic grocery store that sells flaked eel and dried sea horses (above photo, lower right).  That top photo is just the green tea section!

Cheap household goods with the MADE IN CHINA seal on the bottom take on a whole new meaning here. Just look at those spatulas and ladles marked at $1.95!  And the most gorgeous dishes and tea sets priced at next to nothing. I really don’t have the need or space for anything, but gosh, it’s fun to look. Those little aluminum dumpling tins on the bottom right were something like 20cents a piece? Let me tell you, it took a lot of restraint for me to avoid buying a dozen for a TBD art project…but the last thing I need is more stuff to store. Got to keep my hoarding storage situation in check. Still managed to sneak away with a few odds and ends, including a lantern revamp I’ll post tomorrow, but I have a feeling I’ll be coming back for those dumpling dishes real soon!

On Blueberry Hill

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Do y’all know that song? It’s an oldy but a goody from Fats Domino (note to self: Fats Domino is excellent name for a small yippy dog)
it goes…
   I found my thrill on blueberry hill
   On blueberry hill when I found you
   The moon stood still on blueberry hill
   And lingered until my dreams came true

My dad used to play it all the time while looking downward and giggling to himself. It was weird. Like some inside joke between school girls. I thought it was odd how fond he was of some random song, but hey, sometimes it’s okay to see your parents acting goofy. Downright charming, even. Never thought much of it.

Years later I saw  this PBS special about ‘Pioneers of Jazz’ or some business, and people were talking all about Blueberry Hill being the #1 make out song back when my dad was in high school. Apparently Blueberry Hill was some code name for Getting Busy. 

Suddenly Dad doesn’t seem so charming after all.

Neither does the song, and yet I sing it in my head every summer when I get to go blueberry picking in Michigan. If you have never been, you really have to go. Southwest Michigan is called “The Hamptons of the Midwest”…except nicer. And cheaper. And no one plays polo. Or wears madras plaid. And there is no P Diddy white party. However, there is an over-abundance of Jimmy Buffet tribute bands and Church Lady fish boils, and, get this: parking violations are only $10.

Hot Dang you need to get your butt to Small Town Michigan!

So we took the 90 minute car ride to a fantastic family run U-Pick farm outside South Haven called DeGrandchamp’s (note to self #2: DeGrandchamp is another great name for a small yippy dog). South Haven is also home to the National Blueberry Festival, another August in Michigan pastime you won’t want to miss.

After 20 minutes in the orchard, two of us picked a whole bucket of gorgeous berries!  Just look at them!  Would you believe we got that whole bag for $4.00? Amazing. Now busy pouring over my favorite foodie blogs in search of new and exotic recipes. Blueberries are so good for you, I wonder if there is a way I can sneak them into unexpected stuff? Not just muffins or pie, but maybe, like, marinara sauce, or roast chicken, or peanut butter sandwiches.Hmmmm…….

Old McDonald in the City

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IS IT SATURDAY YET?!?!

Someday, at 6am, go to the corner of Rush and Division and prepare to see some odd sights;
rejected frat boys strangling out of the bars they walked into eight hours earlier…
ladies wearing six inch heals, tip toeing around the vomit spot in the doorway…
bus boys hosing down the vomit in the doorway, whistling at the ladies in six inch heels…
and Old McDonald.

Saturday Mornings = Urban Farmer’s Markets

The town is crawling with them. They block off major streets just to facilitate the occasion.  It’s wonderful, and there are THREE of them within an eight block radius of my apartment alone. THREE! And it’s not just one of those skimpy farm stands where you bag your own apples. No Ma’am, this is serious business. We are talking about eggs laid by CHICKENS WITH NAMES. Not to mention cheeses that smell like feet, soy bean soap, elk meat, chocolate covered coffee beans, rhubarb-strawberry danishes, warm buttery croissants, Casablanca lilies as BIG AS YOUR FACE…and of course, fresh, local, organic produce in every shape and color you can imagine. Plus, (HELLO!) you get to try all the stuff. What more could you ask for?

And you know what –it’s not just about super fresh fruit and veggies, or free samples, or the economic savings (most stuff is 10-30% less than the local grocery store), or even that you are buying your food from the person who grew it; it’s about a mass group of people who are happy to be there. They are crowded, chatting, squealing, dodging strollers and small dogs, but they are happy to be there. Together. A community.

WHOA.

Skeletons and Ballgowns

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Often when you think you’re at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else.

— Mr. Rogers

There is a two week stretch every March where the bare-naked-sad-winter trees stand right next to the fat-fluffy-laughing-blossom spring trees.  What an odd phenomenon.  The laughing tree is in full bloom wearing a ballgown while the sad little barren tree looks on. Now that it’s July and all the trees are covered in green, I wish I could go back to that day in March and tell that skeleton of a tree not to worry, and that the laughing tree will loose all those blossoms in a few days and people will curse at the exceptional amounts of pollen falling out of that nuisance of a ballgown.

The laughing tree is annoying.