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From the Archives: Onion Skin Eggs

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The expiration date on the carton indicates they are from Spring of 2002.

Whoa Nelly, them some old eggs!  

I told you, I have a lot of old eggs laying around. Just wait till I excavate from under the bed. Last time I went under there I surfaced with two of the billy goats gruff.

These eggs are lovely though, aren’t they? I remember making them in the kitchen of my old apartment with my Aunt Nancy. She brought over a giant batch of parsley, onions and panty hose,  and I just about cried my eyes out trying to remove the onion skins to extract the dye (click here for directions). Beautiful as they are, this is one Easter project I will not be duplicating any time soon. I wear way too much mascara to let myself cry that ugly.
 

Welcome Home Matt!

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A little more than three years ago, on a typical Tuesday afternoon, my friend and colleague Matt Kelly stopped in my office for our usual round of candy, gossip and youtubing 90 second scenes from R. Kelly’s critical masterpiece, Trapped in the Closet. 

 Only this time was different. Silent, he sat there in the chair with his eyes glazed over, staring at my bookshelf. After a moment, he shoved a piece of licorice in his mouth and announced, rather abruptly,

“I think I’m going to do something crazy.”
Matt was going to quit his job and travel from Alaska to Argentina.
On his bicycle.
Alone.
For nearly two years.
Whoa.
Fast forward three years later, to today. After riding for 22 months and 17,500 miles, Matt is back. I saw him on Monday and he looks so different. Yes, he is skinnier and tanner, but it’s more than that. It’s like he saw something. Something big.
Our local PBS station interviewed him yesterday, and as much as I love the show, you could tell Phil Ponce (the Interviewer-Slash-Kindly Latino Hotty) wanted to hear him complain about being mugged, or stranded, sleeping in the rain, or running out of food ….you know, something sensational. Something scary. Something made for TV.
But Matt didn’t bite.
He just told one story after another of total strangers taking him into their homes and communities, treating him as one of their own, and showing him the same kindness you or I might show a member of our own family. 
Look, I know am am bias here, and perhaps that isn’t a sensational story, but in my book, that’s pretty effing profound. Most days I turn on the news and see people suffering, starving…crazed dictators killing thousands in their wake…snookies showing their hooch to anyone who will watch. It’s not a pretty picture. It’s enough to make you second guess yourself and humanity in general.
But then there is Matt.
My friend, a guy who traveled to the furthest corners of the Earth, saw every sight and walk of life, only to return to report the simple truth: People are innately good. We are more alike than we are different. No barriers of race, language, or economics need stand in the way of connecting us to one another. The world is a huge place but it’s smaller than you ever imagined.
Whoa.

Click hereto watch Matt’s interview on WTTW.
Click here to read Matt’s blog.
Click here to see Matt’s amazing and extensive photographs from his trip.
Click here to see Matt’s amazing kite flown aerial photography from prior to his trip, that I thought he really should have taken on his trip but he said the kite took up too much room and I thought that was a poor excuse but now I see his bike loaded up like that gear and wonder, Damn, where was he going to fit the kite?

Oh well. Next time.

Welcome home Matt!

Paper Mache Collides with an Animal Cracker Addiction

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The eggs are finally up.

I know, right, it took me long enough, but considering my new found inferiority complex concerning eccentric German men and their holiday traditions, it’s an Easter miracle I put up an egg tree at all this year. And here is the thing: this isn’t even half the collection.

There are more.

I rotate.

Because I’m a hoarder.

An egg hoarder.

Don’t you judge me!

Some of these eggs are ten years old. No idea how they have made it this long because Lord knows I’m about as dainty as a rhinoceros and these eggs should have been smashed ages ago.

Notice the base.

It’s a rabbit.

Technically, it’s a bear dressed as a rabbit.

Actually, technically, it’s an animal cracker container dressed as a bear, dressed as a rabbit.

This is what happens when paper mache collides with an animal cracker addiction.

Guess Who’s Coming to Passover

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Passover is more than a holiday laden with family, food, and wine; it’s a time for all of us to gather around the Seder table and remember those who struggled to survive, those who have past, and those who are still waiting for a Passover of their own.

It’s a celebration. An enduring symbol of freedom and triumph over oppression.

And if there was anyone who loves to talk about freedom and triumphing over oppression, it would be Charlie Sheen.

Okay, okay, okay, I know he may have said some not-so-nice things about the people of Israel. That’s what makes it hilarious. And if Jews are good at anything, it’s laughing at batshit goyim.

And while I appreciate a good glass of kosher for Passover Manischewitz, in all it’s grape jelly-esque goodness, there is something really appealing about serving Fools & Trolls at the Seder table.

Zissen Pesach (Happy Passover Y’all. Or something like that.)

Next year in Jerusalem!

PS: My original intention was to publish these labels as printable online PDFs so you could use them too, but then my lawyer friend, the one who gets paid in cookies, advises me against it. Poo. Instead, if you want them, just email me directly and I’ll send you the PDF as an attachment. For personal and private use only.

Cher and the Ruffled Chicken

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Chickens are in.
I went out shopping for a baby shower gift the other day and found myself surrounded by chickens. Not bears. Not Elmo. Not Barney the purple dinosaur.

Chickens.

Has anyone else noticed how certain animals come in cycles of popularity? These days, chickens are everywhere. So are owls. Maybe chickens are the new owl. I’m pretty sure owls were the new giraffe.

I’m hoping the new chicken will be the seahorse. Is there are anything more musical and triumphant looking than a seahorse?

This animal thing is new, though. When I was a kid it was all about clowns. Every kid I knew had scary ass clowns printed on their sheets or wastebasket or something. Creepy. At least it wasn’t as bad as those who were raised in the late seventies, or what I affectionately refer to as The Mushroom Years – a stretch of time when clumps of ocher colored fungi adorned everything from wall clocks to toilet seats.
Do you know someone who is still harboring a decorative mushroom wall hanging?
Yeah. Thought so.  

Ready to join in the chicken trend?

Start by tracing a cutting out hand prints. Quantity will vary, but I can tell you it took 18 six-year-old hand prints to cover a large pasta  box. Bigger hands or a smaller box would trim it down, but really, who wants a trimmed chicken?

 Roll the feathers slightly by curling them around a pen or pencil. This goes faster if you work in big stacks of hand prints.

Remove one side of the box and cut out the chicken’s head (dang that sounds gross)…(freehand it yourself or download the template here). Attach the head to the box using a glue stick or double-stick tape.

 Glue a row of feathers to the inside of the box. Repeat on the outside.

SHAZAM! 
Stick a fork in it. That chicken be done!
This is very Eastery but there is certainly no reason you couldn’t use it as a bread basket or something. Right? Or make a turkey. Or change the colors. 
Actually, truth be told, the original source of inspiration for this project was a float in a gay pride parade (rainbow colored, natch.) Made from crepe paper ruffles with a giant dragon head, it was as big as a flat bed truck and loaded with beefy men in hot pants dancing to Cher’s Strong Enough (the remix, natch.)
What? Don’t act like you don’t get your best ideas at a gay pride parade. The colors, the sounds, the creative liberation….you should totally go. 
Did I ever tell you about the time a drag queen showed me how to apply mascara using a toothbrush?
Another time perhaps….
Happy Easter Y’all 🙂

Welcome, Magnolia.

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Do you know how long I have been waiting for the Magnolia tree outside my front window?

Eleven months.

That’s a Long Ass Time for a little bitty thing like a flowering tree. Winter has been especially cruel. I was starting to think she would never come at all, yet here she is, beautiful as ever, just waiting to don her flowery ballgown.

Welcome, Magnolia.

Munchkin-Friendly Easter Baskets: Fast and Free

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I made these big flowering Easter baskets last week. As much as I like them, they require hot glue and a lot of cutting and coloring, etc. I thought it would be nice to do a version suitable for small children and left-brain types who struggle with crafty terms like “smoosh” and “twist” and “fluff.”
These are easy peasy. Ten minutes. Zero money. 
Sound good? Let’s get started.
If you can’t make this project from stuff laying around in your junk drawer, you need to improve on your junk drawer.
Materials
  • Empty water bottle/plastic condiment tub/ food container
  • Coffee filters
  • Markers
  • Glue
  • Optional: Pipe cleaner or ribbon (to make the basket handle)
Scribble on your coffee filters with magic markers. Any sort of marker that is not labeled as “permanent ink”  will do the trick. Spray with water and let them dry overnight.

Cool beans, huh? You can also get amazingly colorful filters by reserving the leftover coffee filters you used to dye eggs with tissue paper.

 Make a stack of two filters, fold in quarters and cut a rough zig-zag edge. If you’re working with wee-little ones, tearing the filters will work too.

Next, cut off the bottom of a water bottle. The exact height will depend of the circumference of the bottle (this will make more sense in a second, I promise).

 Put some glue on the bottle. White glue works best, but if you are working with paste eating munchkins, paste will work too. Double-stick tape will also do the job done, if you aren’t into messy. But glue is best. Messy is best. Always. 

Stick on one of the filters.

Flip it over and repeat on the inside.

 If you like a handle, punch some holes in the plastic bottle and add pipe cleaner.

Or, don’t add a handle. I kind of like it without the handle. Looks like a little nest or something.
I cut rounded corners on this one. Looks a bit like a wedding takeaway now, no?

 
 Quick variation: swap the water bottle for a sliced up cardboard toilet paper roll.

Voila: egg tuffets!


Tissue Paper and Parsley Eggs

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Some people hate Easter.

It’s as though the holiday wasn’t trendy enough for them. They don’t like all the fluffy little chickens. They don’t like floral bonnets. They don’t like little girls in white patent leather shoes. They don’t like pastels.

Wow. It must suck to be them.

Let’s grind it in a little further, shall we?

I’m skittish about the whole subject of dyeing eggs. My Mom despised food coloring and never kept it in the house. I think it was because of that whole “red dye causes cancer blah blah blah” crap from back in the day, but the sentiment lingered. To this day I try to avoid using the stuff whenever possible. It stains and seems, well, unnatural. Am I the only one who feels like that?

To tell you the truth, I would be happy to avoid egg dyeing in general. One time, at work, I sent an email blast to about 9,000 people, inviting them to a Easter Themed Dying Party, as opposed to an Easter Themed Dyeing Party.

Small typo. Big difference.

The boss was thrilled with me that day.

It did not help matters that this was years ago, when The Passion of the Christ was playing in theaters. People were all aflutter thinking it was some trendy new controversial event.

Holy crap I hated that job.


These days I’ll happily stick to dyeing eggs with tissue paper instead of food coloring. It’s cheap and easy too. Plus, they come out all mottled and unpredictable. I like my eggs unpredictable.

Materials

  • Eggs. Duh.
  • Torn up tissue paper (Note: NEW tissue paper works best. Don’t use that old scruff you recycled from your Christmas gifts. You can make sure the dye will bleed by touching the paper with a wet finger.)
  • Coffee Filters
  • Thread
  • Italian Parsley (Optional)
  • Hot water with a spoonful of vinegar

Tear your tissue into scraps (roughly the size of small child’s hand) and layer them around the egg.

  • Tip: Tuck parsley leaves in between the tissue and the egg. It won’t leave an exact imprint, but it will effect the egg shell’s rate of absorption and help give softly marbled look.
  • Tip: Certain color tissue will lose dye faster, so don’t go in expecting a rainbow on a single egg. Choosing colors similar in tone (red and orange, blue and green, blue and purple) will always yield lovely two-toned results.

Over the tissue, wrap the egg in a coffee filter and wind some thread around to keep it in place. Set them in a bowl of warm water with a splash of vinegar.

Take a load off. Let the eggs rest there in the water for an hour or so. The orangy-pinkish egg above stayed in the water for 30 minutes, whereas the hot pink tomato colored ones in the rear stayed in overnight. Same tissue papers, different results.  Like I said, I like my eggs unpredictable.

Once they are dry, blow their guts out and go to town; sequins, gold leaf, glitter, you name it!

Happy Easter 🙂
WARNING: These eggs are not for eating! As John said: Are we eating these eggs? Mel Gibson-themed workplace traumas aside, I have to scratch my head a little at the idea that food grade Easter egg dye freaks you out more than whatever toxic-ass sh*t is in random tissue paper. As someone who works tangentially in the food safety industry (enough to throw around fancy phrases like “vermin harborage” and “tangentially”), I must warn against eating these gorgeous, kaleidoscopic parcels of death.

What can I craft from a headless crow?

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BOO YOW!

Came home yesterday to find a box of random craft supplies from Heather at Dollar Store crafts. As part of her April Stash Busting challenge, nine other recipients and myself are charged with making goodies from the contents of the box, filled with goodies from her own personal craft stash.

Stay tuned. This box is chalk full of all kinds of potential.

I’ll be sharing the love as soon as I can churn it out 🙂

Lola decided she wanted to get creative, too.

She made supper.

See, the box included a lovely, not to mention realistic, black crow.  I left it out on the coffee table overnight and when I woke up this morning, it appeared Lola had dragged it to her favorite rug and decapitated it.

Poor thing never saw it coming 🙁

Now the question is; what can I craft from a headless crow?

Ashley’s Cupcake Wreath

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Last summer I was at a backyard barbecue when I spotted a little girl. While the other children were playing hide and seek indoors, she sat happily on a bench by herself, blowing bubbles, singing a song from the top of her head. I don’t recall the exact tune but it was something about a sand castle and mustard bottles. She wore glittered shoes, a polka dot dress and a tiara.

After introducing myself and complementing her on her musical stylings, I asked her why she was wearing a tiara. Looking up from her bubble wand, she stared me straight in the eye and answered, rather proudly, “Because I can.”

Clearly, I had to meet this child’s mother.

Since then I have so enjoyed getting to know her mom, Ashley, who is All Kinds of Crafty. Seriously, the woman lives with jellybean colored walls (!!!) Until Ashley starts a blog, she has been kind enough to share a couple of her projects with me, including her version of the Easter wreath I posted last week. 

Folks, seriously, how cool is this?

I think I like her version better than the original. It’s so fun. So happy looking. The colors. The patterns. THE TINKER TAPE.

Perhaps this is an Easter project but it feels a bit like a birthday party. Or Mardi Gras. Or Cinco De Mayo. Or Tuesday. Why should we hang a cupcake wreath on our doors every Tuesday?

Because we can.