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Double Down Snowflakes

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Clear plastic insulation sheeting makes it easy to double layers snowflakes!

So let it begin.

Winter is here. Snow has fallen. The long underwear is out and frozen doorknobs are in.

Pretty and pristine as it might be, the draft from my over-sized 100 year-old picture window is unreal. Foam insulation tape and fleece lined curtains help but the draft is still noticeable enough to force me to resort to plastic sheeting. You know the stuff, the clear plastic “second window” that stretches and bunches and never seems smooth out no matter how long I blow on it with a hairdryer. I hate it. It’s ugly. It’s distracting. I can handle bars on the window and city dump trucks, but clear plastic sheeting? No Thank You!

Yet, despite my animosity, plastic sheeting is a small price to pay in exchange for a warm living room. I surrender. But if I am going to have to look out my window through wrinkled plastic, you better believe it’s going to look good!

Enter: Snowflakes.

Decided to use the hollow space between the glass and the plastic to my advantage and tape snowflakes directly to the glass AND the plastic sheet, that way the 6″ gap in between the two creates a layered, three dimensional effect, almost like stage scenery or a pop-up book.

Now that it’s done, let me tell you, this thing is COOL. In fact, I might even be using this clear plastic sheeting business  for a spring window display. I’m smitten!

Can I tell you something? This was one of those projects that was so easy and fun, and when it was done I couldn’t help but stand back and say Wow, I am really excited about posting this on the blog!

And then I took the pictures.

Ugggh.

What a disappointment. They look much better in person than on camera. There’s no dimension in these photos. Hurrumph. It’s a shame ya’ll can’t stop by the house and see them in person.

Next time 🙂

There’s no real tutorial here. If you are reading this blog I am going to make the assumption that you are comfortable making your own snowflakes and following the directions on the back of the box of plastic sheeting. However, I will share a tip or two I learned along the way….

  • Try cutting snowflakes from coffee filters and paper doilies. They will let in more light and sprinkle the inside of your home with dappled sunshine. Gorgeous!
  • Use a hole punch when cutting snow flakes to add major detail without the major scissor time.
  • Get your snowflakes to stay flat by ironing them for 5 seconds over a damp towel.
  • Tape half the snowflakes directly to the window, hang the top plastic insulation sheet, then tape the other half of the snowflakes to the sheet facing the window. Overlap and layer as much as possible!
  • Try using electricians tape to attach your snowflakes. I could have used thread or transparent tape, but decided the red lends a special touch. Plus, now I can keep them up til Valentines, wahoo!

Good Old Fashioned Salt Dough

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 I feel like a cheater for posting a project like this.

It’s not like I invented salt dough or anything special. I’m not even making anything that hasn’t been done a hundred times over, either. I’d feel more entitled to write a post on how to make a decent peanut butter sandwich.

However, even though salt dough has been popular since the dawn of time, it sure seems like every year I find someone who has never made it. Not when they were a kid, not with their own kids. They are living salt dough free. Let us show them the light!

Salt dough is oodles of fun for munchkins and adults alike. It’s cheap, easy, fun, and with the addition of water-proof varnish, it can last for years. Los of people I know (myself included) have salt dough ornaments and hand prints and figurines from when they were knee-high to a grasshopper.


You can do your research to find variations on the recipe, I will take mine directly from my Grandmother Pumpkin recipe.

Ingredients:

  • One part Morton’s salt
  • One part warm water
  • Two parts white flour

Optional:

  • Add one spoon full of oil to make it flexible and slow drying [like playdough]
  • Add one spoonful of lemon juice to make it durable and hard [like Xmas ornaments]

Directions

  • Mix together to form a ball.
  • Roll to .5” thickness and biscuit cut.*
  • Bake 250 for one hour or until hardened, or air dry 48 hours.

* Translation for Non-Southerners or Irish-People-Who-Bake-Too-Much: “biscuit cut” means use a jar or a glass or a empty tin can, or cookie cutter to cut the dough in circles. You can also use a simple butter knife and get creative.

salt dough + plastic knives = munchkin menorah

For colored dough, add food coloring, Kool-Aid, or paint into the water before adding it to the dry ingredients. Or you can paint your creations after they dry. If you want your ornaments to last, spray them with varnish, or, if you REALLY want to be sure they last, you can do like my third grade teacher and dip them in a quart of outdoor strength polyurethane. Those suckers will stand the test of time!

Friday Flowers: Sweater Felt Hats

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My felt flower bug is back in town. It started with that tutorial a few weeks ago and hasn’t simmered down since! The living room is now overrun with little nests of felt flower tuffets looking for good homes. Yesterday I went to sip my diet coke and there was a wool fuzz bunny sitting on the lip.

Now aren’t you glad you aren’t my vacuum cleaner?

These hats are just one of the ways I am using up my felt stash (just wait until you see next week). They are too easy to justify a full length tutorial. Honest, not counting the felting process, I spent less than an hour on each hat. They were so easy to make, you have got to try it for yourself. You need a cute new hat, don’t you? Of course you do.

And because we all know little kids tend to pick at things (and not so little kids too!) I used pick-friendly upholstery thread, exposed stitches, and bookbinders knots. I sort of like the little furry thread bits –they add such character.

As you can see here, I used a lot of different colors (remember I’m stash busting)…but this would also be so fetching with just one or two colors. Can you imagine a red hat with tiny little white blossoms all over? Or a green cap with yellow and orange blooms? Or what about monochromatic—like making the hat and blossoms out of the same old wool sweater? Yeah, that’s the ticket!

PS: Special thanks Brendan and Stephanie for supplying the models. It’s nice to have friends with ridiculously beautiful children, isn’t it?

Friday Flowers: Plastic Bag Pom Poms

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Remember when I was going to post a flower project every Friday and then I stopped doing it because I kept forgetting it’s Friday? Well, today I’m rectifying that, even though technically this is Monday.  Let’s just pretend it’s Friday, okay?  I could go back and alter the date so it looks like I posted this on Friday but that seems dishonest and technologically complicated.
Also, this project is no big whoop because I have pretty much posted it already. Only difference this time is that I’m using a plastic bag to make a bow for a wine bottle, because, let’s face it, there’s a good chance you are giving away some wine bottles in the next few weeks. Okay, Okay, Okay
.not everyone drinks and gives away wine. You can slap one of these pom-pom flowers on a tasteful hostess gift like some French soap or a scented candle
.but I like using wrapping wine in something that would normally end up getting thrown away. There is something really fun about giving away booze and garbage.
To make these, all you need is a plastic bag, some scissors, a 3# piece of cardboard and a piece of wire or ribbon or twine (pipe cleaners are my personal favorite). If you have ever made pom-poms out of yarn on your fingers, you will know how to do these already. Skip it and start making stuff already, wouldja?
First, cut your bag on one side to create one large flat piece of plastic, then roll your bag into a tube shape. Snip across the tube every inch or so. You will be left with something that resembles a pile of loose spaghetti or plastic ribbons. 
Wrap the individual strands around your 3” piece of cardboard. One at a time, or ten at a time, doesn’t really matter. Once the cardboard is done, slip the pipecleaner under the plastic ribbons you just wound up. Twist the pipecleaner so it holds all the plastic together, then, on the opposite side, exactly reverse from where the pipecleaner is knotted off, snip the bundle of plastic ribbons apart. Ta Da! 
Now you can add colorful plastic bags to the list of things hoarded inside your pantry. I know, I know, you have way too much space in there already. You’re welcome. 

Rhinestone Rhinoceros Menorah

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I never claimed to have good taste.
Extensive glitter collection, yes.
Good taste, no.
But listen y’all, it’s Chanukah, and if I want to remember the miracle of the Maccabees through a something four-legged, spangled and fabulous, well, I’m dang-well going to do it!
The pink elephant came about a few years ago following a long night of Disney’s Dumbo, good gin and too many Velvet Underground albums. It’s not unusual for me to messing around with terra cotta clay late at night, and that particular night, when inspiration struck, I saw the elephant on my kitchen counter…and boom! A menorah was born. 
They are easy to make. It’s just a toy + clay + paint/glitter/fancy-top-coat-of-your-choice. Honest. That’s it. If you are thinking hey, maybe I could make that then that’s a good sign you should have made one already. 
So let’s get started, shall we?
The base toy can be any plastic animal laying around the toy chest or your local dollar store (I happen to have an affinity for dinosaurs and rhinoceroses, but y’all decide for yourself!) For those who don’t keep terra cotta clay on hand at all times, get yourself some play clay or make some salt dough. Doesn’t really matter what sort of clay you use, just make sure it’s something that will air dry (FYI: the stuff pictured is from Crayola and is called “Model Magic” and cost $3 for enough clay to make three menorahs using this method –my first time using it and I was impressed.) I could write a step-by-step tutorial on this, but I think you can get the gist of it by looking at the pictures. To summarize:
  • Lay some clay on the animal’s back.
  • Stick some candles in the clay.
  • Let the candles dry.
  • Paint it up.
  • Snazz it up.
  • Light it up.
Dry time will vary depending on density and humidity levels, but I would allow a good 24 hours at least.
Tip: All clay will expand and contract as it dries, so leave the candles in the clay so you can be sure they will fit later.
Tip: If you find your clay/dough is too elastic to support the candle upright, wrap a small amount of the clay around the base of the candle before inserting into the base clay
Tip: If you have a hard time blending the spots where the clay ends and toy body starts, dribble on some white glue. That’ll patch it up.
Tip: Glitter in two coats with two shades of the same color glitter –it will look sparkly and decadant, as well as eliminate any annoying glitter shedding.

Coat 1: Slather your creature with glue and liberally apply glitter. Dry.

Coat 2: Mix together equal parts glue, water, glitter in a shade slightly different than the first coat, and paint the mixture all over. Dry 24 hours.

Tip: Don’t leave candles burning unattended. Do really need me to tell you this? If you are reading this, you should know this already. If you don’t know this, then skip this project. You should be spending more time on fire safety than craft time.
Tip: Don’t freak out about wax drippings. You spent $2 on making this. It’s not your grandmother’s menorah; it’s a glittered circus animal.  If you really want to remove any potential drippings, you can dip the hole thing in hot water for 5 seconds and it will release in a jiffy. Relax, Max.
Tip: Display your finished menorah in front of a mirror. Reflected candlelight is ridonkulously beautiful.
Tip: You still here? What are you waiting for? Get started!

Fun with Birch Bark

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High winds and a recent cold snap have ruffled up the bark on my neighborhood birch trees. It’s gorgeous. I can’t get enough of it.

The bark is every bit as beautiful as the foliage, and best of all, it peels off like paper! Honestly, you can grab yourself a hunk of birch bark and write your grocery list on it. Try it! The clerk at the check out line will look at you like you are crazy, but let’s face it, the holidays are here and you probably are kinda crazy. So let’s have fun with it 🙂

In addition to grocery lists, birch bark can be a great material for making art projects or dressing up your table. Here, I just hot glued to an empty ice cream bucket and Ta Da it’s a rustic vase for a Thanksgiving centerpiece! Or glue on to cardboard paper towel tubes and you have some nifty new napkin rings. What about pictures frames? Or candle sticks? Or Christmas ornaments? The possibilities are endless!

Remember: Only grab the loose bark off the birch trees. Don’t damage the tree by leaving big bald patches all over the trunk. That’s not nice!

Tip: Birch bark carry dust and teensy weensy bugs. Generally nothing to worry about, but if you are going to use it on something used near food service, I suggest you dunk your loose bark pieces in a big bowl of water with a cap full of bleach, then let it dry out before gluing to your surface container. I used this all over a table service a few years ago and never noticed a problem, but you can never be too safe with it comes to tree critters.

Tip: Birch bark will eventually dry out and crack. To enfuse durability, soak your part pieces in a mixture of 3 parts water to 1 part Mod Podge (matt finish) or Acrylic Matt Medium for 1 hour, then use regular white glue to adhere to your your base. It’s messy but that sucker will last for years!


Fancy Schmancy Gilded Jam Jars

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Aren’t these pretty? Cheap and easy too. There is something truly magical about candlelight reflecting off real gold. It illuminates with a different, special sort of radiant warmth. Magic like. If you have ever attended a candlelight mass at an old Gothic cathedral, you have seen the magic in action, all shimmery and golden. It’s stunning.

Switching gears from mass to menorahs….Years ago, I fell in love with a DIY menorah I saw in a magazine,  assembled from candles in mercury glass votives. I rushed out to the store to pick up the votives, but then saw the price tag
.

Seriously, who pays $24 for four sparkly shot glasses? 

The overpriced store in question (I won’t be rude and tell you the full name, but it started with Pottery and ended with Barn) also had some lovely golden votives and vases scattered around a harvest table. They interspersed berries and bark and earthenware style ceramics…a really lovely spread, I must say. Decided I liked the gold votives more than the mercury glass and set on home to make them myself.

Two hours later, my golden modern day menorah was born.

You like my pink elephant menorah? More on her next week. I have lots of menorahs to share. Told you I like candlelight 🙂

People can be very intimidated by working with real gold leaf (that’s’ right, it’s REAL GOLD)
but once you realize how friendly and inexpensive it can be, you might just get addicted. You can use this same technique to gild frames, vases, sculptures, doorknobs, garden gnomes, cat beds…

This is a great first-time project for those who have never tried it before. Messy bits and imperfections only add to the charm.

Materials

  • 3 glass mason jars (drinking glasses or a vase would also work just fine)
  • 6 sheets of gold leaf (quality and cost varies
I can pick up a packet of 25 sheets at the art store for $6)
  • Gold leaf adhesive
  • Small paint brush
  • Votive candles

Tip: If this is your first time and you will use it more than once, buy a kit that includes gold leaf, adhesive and varnish. They usually run around $10, depending on leaf quality.
Tip: Gold leaf is very delicate. You will need to do this is a room without any wind/air flow. I would avoid working around small kids, at least the first time you try it. 
Tip: If you find that the gold leaf shreds when you touch it, that’s a sign your hands are too moist. Try picking it up with a paint brush, or put on cotton gloves.
Tip: You still a scaridy cat? See this video for a quick and easy demonstration. Don’t be intimidated!

1. Line up your jars or glasses. Make sure they are absolutly clean.
2. Apply gold leaf adhesive to the inside of the jar.
3. Directions vary for every brand, but I like to do a very thin layer of glue all over, then go back to add more, letting it drip and dribble in places. This will help create a scattered/uneven coat. That’s right, messiness counts 🙂

4. Follow adhesive directions, most will require the glue to dry for a while before proceeding further.
5.Tear 6 sheets of gold leaf AND the tissue paper away from the larger packet.
6. Smaller sheets are easier to work with, so I cut my sheets into quarters. You do what works for you.


7. Delicatly lift up one piece of gold leaf and tissue. Chances are it will still to the tissue and you won’t have to touch the gold much at all. If your hands are sweaty or there is a lot of moisture in teh air, wear cotton gloves or clap your hands with baby powder.
8.Insert the piece inside the jar, using the tissue to press the gold to the glass. move it around for a minute to make sure the gold sticks.
9. Remove tissue.


10. Repeat the process until you have covered the jar. Or not. You could just do one patch and that would be neato. You could just do the brim of the glass. Or not. Y’all decide.
11. Remove all the scraggler bits by inserting a rag or washcloth inside teh jar and swirling it around. This should wipe away most of the excess gold crumbs. If you decide there is too much gold, you can go in and scratch it away.
12. Gold crumbs can get kinda messy, so you may want to do step 11 outside, but don’t sweat it too much. Genuine gold crumbs are as dangerous as cracker crumbs. Except, somehow gold crumbs are a lot more fun to talk about.
13. Ta Da! You is a done one. Feel free to varnish the inside, just make sure, if you are making votives, that the varnish is non flammable. A little diluted Mod Podge would do the trick. You could even tint the Mod Podge a color and make it look like colored glass.

Folks, the fun never ends.

Now let’s gild the lily! Tie a piece of simple jute twine around the rim of the jar, and tuck in some garden clippings. Did Y’all see this post of dusty miller on Design*Sponge…wow. I also love using rosemary around votives because the candle warm up the leaves slightly, filling the whole house with the most wonderful fragrance.Lavender is nice too. Just about any sturdy stemmed garden clipping will look good. I love mixing textures like this…the warm metallic gold against the cool velvety leaves…oooooo I could just swoon!
Wouldn’t these make great gifts? 
You could gild baby food jars and pair with a few scented candles….or grab some garden trimmings (including these crazy turquoise berries) and a few cream colored roses and you have one stylish little nosegay to sit on top of someone special’s desk.
Golden Happiness, one and all!

Friday Flowers: Making Sweater Felt in the Washing Machine

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Everyone loves felt flowers. Especially me! They are cheap, easy and add a dash of happy color to any outfit.

There are plenty of great tutorials already out there that use inexpensive, old reliable store-bought craft felt. Problem is, I avoid using craft felt whenever possible. Don’t get me wrong – it’s a great material to have around the house, but making your own felt from old sweaters has mucho advantages.

Felt made from wool sweaters is:

  • Thicker
  • Cheaper
  • More colorful (and if you can’t buy it – dye it!)
  • Cleaner
  • Healthier*

*Important note on felt in general: Anyone who has cut or sewn any sort of felt knows that it generates fiber dust faster than most fabrics. Problem is, unless you are working outside, those fibers get into the air we breathe. Dust from natural fibers like cotton, wool, silk, etc, are pretty easy for our respiratory systems to filter, but dust from synthetic fibers, like the acrylic used in most craft felt, can cause serious respiratory irritation. Personally, it doesn’t make me cough or sneeze but it does give me a headache after 30 minutes messing with it. This leads me to believe it is something to avoid, or at very least, avoid messing with indoors (Update: Sara had a great suggestion when it comes to cutting acrylic wool “why not buy some little doctor’s masks from the pharmacy?”…good idea Sara!) Y’all feel free to compare and draw your own conclusions. If you are working on a project where you need multiple yards of felt, consider looking into something made from cotton or wool. Chances are it will cost 4 times as much as the fake stuff, and it will not come in nifty colors, but it’s a fair trade for keeping your home and family healthy. 

Man, that was a downer. 

Now back to the fun stuff!

The Magic Bag: Making Felt the Easy Way
Anyone who has accidentally thrown a wool sweater in the dryer knows how easy it is to turn knit fibers into felt. There are lots of ways to approach it, but I like to use the Magic Bag method because it means I can felt while I do my other laundry. This saves water, energy, and money (major bonus when you live in a city apartment with giant coin operated machines!)


The Magic Bag
Get yourself an old pillow case and fill it with:

  • Wool. Take yucky old thrift store sweater and cut away any seams, cuffs, collars or fancy edges (save them though—they could come in handy on future projects. More on that next week!)
  • 1 teaspoon of soap shavings. I like to scrape them from a bar of old fashioned ivory soap, but most any soap will work, just be sure it isn’t “moisturizing” or “with conditioners” or stuff like that.
  • 1 teaspoon of baking soda. This helps the detergent really scrub and fluff up those fibers.
  • 1 large old towel or pair of jeans, or both. Most anything with a scrubby surface.

Put them all together in the pillow case, making sure there is enough room to wiggle around. Tie it off with a sturdy rubber band and throw it in the washing machine with your other hot water laundry, same as always. Adding detergent is fine but no fabric softener. Wash on the hottest setting possible.

The combination of hot water, abrasive detergent and constant agitation, will make the yarn FREAK OUT and turn to felt in no time. When the wash cycle is finished, pull your items out of the bag and inspect. Pull a scrap piece of wool from side to side. It should be reasonably stretchy.

Can you still see the individual strands of yarn?
If the answer is no, then you have felt!
If the answer is yes, then put it back in again for another wash cycle and try adding another towel. If you can set your machine to repeat the “wash” cycle more than once (turn back the dial) then just repeat that process over and over til you get what you want.

Once the wool is felted in the wash, you are ready to cut it. I like to cut mine while it’s still damp from the washer (keeps the fiber dust down) but you can also dry it at this stage to encourage the fibers to puff up. Either way is fine.


Alternative Method
Get a big old pot and boil the wool on your stove. No agitation required in this method, but it could take up to an hour and will make your kitchen smell like sheep.

Will any sweater turn to felt?

No. Generally, natural fibers work best. After enough of these, you will be able to feel a sweater and know if it will felt, but you’ll have to read labels until you get the hang of it. Here is a quick-n-dirty list of popular fibers and their success rate:

Wool: Great
Lambs Wool: Excellent
Wool with 10% Something Else (spandex, rayon, cotton, polyester, etc): Fine, but anything more than 10% is risky
Alpaca: OK in the washer, but the boiling method works better
Camel: Fine, but it smells horrendous when hot
Cashmere: Sorta…it felts but remains thin and never puffs up nice and thick
Angora: Mixed results…100% angora is no good, but vintage sweaters made from angora AND wool are like the Holy Grail; they come out big and pillowy and soft. I wish I had a sample but I gave them all away and more sweaters are hard to find.
Cotton: Nope
Rayon: Nope
Silk: Nope

And don’t limit yourself to sweaters! Coats, hats, gloves, scarves, blankets work great too.
And don’t limit yourself to solid colors! Use the stripes and patterns to your advantage. 

How do I make the flower?


1. Cut a rounded circle sort of thing roughly 10″ in diameter.
2. Cut a spiral shape.


3. Make incisions around the outer edge of the spiral every 1/2″ or so, making sure to leave at least 1/4″ remaining at the bottom.
4. Snip the corners of the individual petals. Note: Some thicker weaves and fibers will puff up so much with step 5 that you can even skip step 4.


5. Throw the spiral in a hot dryer. This will puff it up and suck the loose fibers into your lint trap.
6. Optional: If the drier puffed it up too much for your taste (top), you can flatten it out with an iron (bottom). I happen to like it puffy, but some fibers will create curly/twisty petals that will be easier to work with after ironing.


7. Starting rolling at the center of the spiral (if you can still recognize the center!) making sure to keep the bottom edge lined up. this process is easier if you give yourself a base after 2 or three rolls around, but you decide for yourself.
8. Once you finish rolling, your flower should look like a cinnamon bun. Stab the needle and thread straight across the back of the flower and repeat several times over in multiple directions.

Note: You will want to use a thick sturdy needle and thread. Thin cotton thread will break. If you don’t have button thread or upholstery thread on hand, try dental floss.

Another Note: I know you are thinking you can skip the sewing and go for a glue gun. You would be right, although the results never come out quite as nice; the glue bulks up the back and the excess globs are hard to conceal, but if you think you can get around it, then go for it.


9. Stitch on pin back.
10. Cover your handy work with a leaf and your done!

Experiment!  Expect your first attempt to come out a little wonky, but you will improve quickly. Once you make a few of these, you will find them very addictive and easy to do. These pins make great gifts but you can also do plenty of stuff with other parts of the sweater, then embellish with the flowers…think vests, hats, capes, cuffs! More on this in the weeks ahead!

Or don’t even bother making the flowers; look at the felt as a special something you can add to other projects.Imagine a pillow edged in ric-rac or pom-pom trim…now imagine it edged in sweater felt trim. Cool huh?
 

Since you can make 6-12 flowers out of a single sweater, I tend to make them in batches. Pick up a few sweaters and you can start mixing and matching colors and consistencies. Its always good to have at least one green sweater for making leaves. A few years ago I was REALLY into making stuff out of sweater felt. I gave felt goodies to everyone I knew and sold them at a couple of craft fairs. Eventually the fun fizzled out and I haven’t touched the stuff in two years. This morning I opened up the giant Tupperware bin full of spirals I cut years ago, just waiting to made into flowers and scarves and caps and capes and cuffs and stockings and ornaments and …..what’s that? What is that I hear? Why, that’s the sound of something fabulous coming down the pipeline!

Happy Friday Y’all!


Leftover Halloween Mask Turned Vase: A Cow for Madame Violoneux

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Sometimes people ask me: So what do you do with all the paper flowers?
Answer: I give them to Madame Violoneux.

I initially made Madame Violoneux as a vase (right), but she could certainly be used as a fun storage container (left).      That’s Right: Cow Shaped Storage. BOO YOW!

Paper flowers are something I have been making since childhood, but the first time I got serious, I mean really serious, was in high school. I came home from a school field trip and made 100 blossoms in a single night. The unusual creative surge was spurred by, of all things, a cow.

Yes, I said cow. I know. Technically, it was a whole herd of cows. They were dressed up like Carmen Miranda and I was jealous as hell. 

See, years ago, I lived in Switzerland. Yes, Switzerland. I know. It’s hard to imagine anyone who comes from a place so pristine would use words like peckerwood and produce fingernail necklaces, but hey, it takes all kinds. It was only for a few years but my time there changed my whole perspective on how I view the world. It changed how I think about myself. It changed the way I think about the people I never met before. It changed the way I think about you.

Who knew, right?

If you ever get a chance to go to Switzerland, especially the mountains, promise me you will jump at the chance! It’s an astonishing place filled with especially intriguing people. The term diverse doesn’t do it justice. The cities in Switzerland are known for innovative, cutting edge design, while the mountain towns, like the one where I lived, resemble something pretty close to that Heidi picture book you had as a kid; green pastures, cheese makers, cuckoo clocks by the dozen, and old men who walk the streets with wooden sticks and feathers in their hats.

My secret talent: I can yodel the Star Spangled Banner.

Jealous much? Just wait till you see the view out my former window.

Awesome much?

I know.

Photos from St. Cergue CH, courtesy of Vinylmeister.
Every year, on a sunny Saturday in autumn, Swiss communities celebrate DĂ©salpe, or sometimes called Almabtrieb, or Descent of the Cows, or, as my cousin John called it, The Bovine Beauty Pageant.

When Alpine pastures thin out in the fall, the cows are led down to the valley in style, wearing huge bells on their necks and flowers attached to their horns. It’s fabulous. Cattle play a critical role in Switzerland’s economy and agriculture, so the Swiss take their cows very seriously. People in Wisconsin might talk about ‘cow tipping’ as a local right of passage, but in many parts of Switzerland, it’s a criminal offense. Lesson: Don’t mess with Miss Bessy!

Photo courtesy of Mark Cowlishaw

One year, my school took us on a field trip to watch the annual festivities in a nearby town. Ignorantly, I assumed a cow parade would be a peaceful, folksy event. I could not have been more wrong; it was a LOUD, raucous, blaze of color and noise, smelling of old cheese, fresh grass and cow poop.

You cannot imagine the noise! Back in the day, the giant old bells were made so that farmers could locate their herd from half a mountain away. These days, the cows still wear bells, but the big guns only come out for the holiday. And, if it wasn’t LOUD enough already, the town folk like to trumpet the arrival of the cows by playing their alphorns.

The lion tamer on the field trip that day was the principal of our tiny school, a kind man from Minnesota who greeted everyone with a smile. He was one of those people who never forgot your name. I appreciate that in people, don’t you?

He fit right in with the rest of the happy local Swiss folk that day, but his wife, Madame Violoneux, did not blend so well. They were an odd pair, everyone agreed. Where Mr. Violoneux was warm and friendly with strangers, Madame Violoneux was distant and suspicious. She was a tiny thing with ice blue eyes, and although it was a solid year before I saw her truly smile, it was easy to imagine her as a giggly baby. You know, one of those beautiful old soul babies who look at you with wariness and wonder. And still, as intimidating as she was, there was still something child-like about her presence.

She was a stickler for manners. Rumor had it when a boy wore a hat in her class she made him eat it. Not the whole thing, but just chew on the brim for a minute with everyone watching. I’m not sure if that story was just a rumor but deep inside I sure hope it’s true.

She was never exactly mean, but she didn’t bother with typical teacher niceties. There were no pats on the back or good morning greetings. People didn’t mess around her classroom. Expectations ran high. With most educators, when you turn in mediocre work, it comes back with a grade, a few marks and a message at the top that goes something like
Try harder. Rework that last section and you’ll get it next time!  

Madame Violoneux once returned a trigonometry test to me that read
Your can’t be serious.
    
I was crushed.

Even as an adult, I’m still not sure what it was about Madame Violoneux that made me want to try harder. Maybe it’s because I was a spoiled-rotten adolescent seeking approval from a Spartan-style authoritarian. Maybe it’s because she was more discriminating with her praise than every one else. Maybe it’s because underneath her exterior, I wanted to think she cared more than any one else. Maybe it’s because she could chew you up and spit you out before you could say Double Angle Formula. 

When I was tiny, my Aunt Honey Shirley once told me an ancient Scandinavian folk legend about a Magic Fog/Clould/G-d/Thing (name, anyone?) that would gently sweep over towns and villages, weighing the soul of every person in its path. If your soul was heavy, you would remain on the ground, but if your soul was light, you would be carried away in the fog. The souls of children weighed the heaviest and the soles of mean people weighed the least.

Moral of the story: be nice or you will get eaten by a fog monster.

Lovely tale. Scared the crap out of me every time it got cloudy outside, but a lovely tale just the same. Ever since Honey Shirley told me about them, I started looking for fog monsters.

!!!SURPRISE!!!  

Fog monsters are everywhere! 

I’m talking about people who can measure your soul. That must make me sound crazy, but I swear it’s true. They are out there. Everywhere. I’m talking about people you already know–people who can look in your eyes and see you for what you are. They will measure your worth in an instant and decipher your value. They won’t tell you how much you measure up, but if you are light on soul, they will gobble you up and move on to the next person right quick.
    
There wasn’t a doubt in my mind: Madame Violoneux was a fog monster. The woman could see my soul. She could see yours too. For me, back then, this was something to worry about. My teenage self-absorption was out of control and I could have been eaten by a fog monster at any time.

So that day in the town, with all the cows marching by with people watching, I was watching Madame Violoneux. With all the color and sound and clapping and giggles and happiness in the air, I wanted to see if she would laugh. I wanted to see if she could laugh. If 200 cows dressed as Carmen Miranda didn’t put a smile on her face, I don’t know what would.

The parade progressed slowly. The cows were supposed to run by but they mostly just stood there swinging their bells and shaking their headdresses.  

Cattle herding is a funny science; give cows an open road and they will run neatly, in a single file, almost as fast as a some horses, but put them on a narrow path and you may as well be herding cats. They won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. If one stops to rest or dodge a rock, it’ll take ten seconds before another cow, 20 yards back, will have to stop too. It’s like rush hour traffic with poop.

Photo courtesy of Mark Cowlishaw

At one point the traffic jam came to a full out halt and the crowd infiltrated the herd. People were taking pictures left and right, but no one touched the cows. Even small children knew to never to touch the creatures for fear they would catch some human illness, or get scared and start a stampede. Everyone knew you should never touch the cows.

Imagine my shock when I turned around to see Madame Violoneux standing directly in front of a heifer, holding her giant slimy chin in one hand, while smoothing a tuft of hair away from her horns with the other. From a distance I could see the cow was different–full grown, slightly smaller than the rest, brown on the bottom and all white from the neck up. Most of the cows had headdresses like giant, swaying funeral flower arrangements, but this cow had only four rumpled flowers on display. Madame Violoneux lovingly fluffed each flower, then pulled back and tilted her head to the side to look at the cow long and hard, as if to say Why so sad little cow?

This was unusual  because, 1. Madame Violoneux did not look sympathetic on people, much less livestock, and 2. If you have ever been near a full grown Swiss heifer, you know they don’t let people cradle their head without putting up a fight.

There was only one explanation for such a curious sight: that little cow was in a trance as Madame Violoneux weighed her soul. The fog monster strikes again!

Eventually the cow noticed the rest of her herd moving away and broke out from under Madame Violoneux’s trance. As she trotted toward me, sauntering tall and proud, I heard my Uncle Thomas’ voice ringing through my head in all his hog calling glory; That is one sweet looking heifer!

I felt like Miss Ameroca was walking my way. Like I should be honored to look up on her and courtsey or something.

Then she got close enough for me to see her face.

I had to turn away.

She was mangled. Half the left side of her face was sunken in. Her eye was gone and there was a deep gash running down the length of her snout. For a second there, I almost thought the deformity might be the mark of the fog monster, but in reality it was probably just a a birth defect or an injury. A friend of mine who is in the cattle business tells me young cows get seriously injured all the time, but usually they are put out of their misery before a vet is ever called in. Perhaps things work differently with small time farmers in Switzerland…I don’t know.

As the heifer passed, I grabbed one of the flowers from her head. Red crepe paper. The minute I got home I took it apart and used it to make a pattern, similar to these roses. Crepe paper wasn’t easy to come by that night, so I made the flowers out of paper towels. When the paper towels ran out, I used magazine pages. When the magazine ran out of pages, my old homework did the trick. This went on for hours…

Making art is a funny thing. It drudges up all kinds of thoughts and feelings and insecurities. It loosens up your mind just enough to untangle the knots in your head. That night, I thought about Madame Violoneux and that cow. It rattled me to think, out of all the cows in the bovine beauty pageant that day, she saw the beauty in the one with the most obvious flaw. The one that made me turn my head away in revulsion. The one that got passed over by everyone else.

Why?

I don’t know the answer, but I can tell you, in that single act of doting benevolence, Madame Violoneux changed my whole perspective on how I view beauty. It changed the way I see my surroundings. It changed how I think about myself. It changed the way I think about the people I never met before. It changed the way I think about you.

Since that day I have looked at cows as my own personal lucky charm. I don’t collect them so much as I revere them. Not that my reverence stands in the way of a good cheeseburger.

For years now, every time I see a cow, I want to decorate the poor beast with paper flowers. I dream of bringing DĂ©salpe to the cattle ranches of America. Something tells me the cattle ranchers wouldn’t like it so much, but hey, a girl can dream!

In the mean time, until all cows can be free and fancy for a day, I like to celebrate DĂ©salpe by keeping my paper flowers in a faux-ceramic cow shaped vase, appropriately named, Madame Violoneux. She sits on my dresser, next to a mirror. She greets me every morning and night. The flowers are tied to a couple of branches stuck in the back so I can replace and freshen them constantly.

Holy cats, that sounds like I’m keeping a shrine on my dresser.

A crazy cow-slash-fog-monster shrine.

Awesome much?

I know.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

To make a faux-ceramic cow-slash-fog-monster-creature vase you will need….

  • One leftover Halloween mask. Animal masks are good, but those rubber celebrity masks work great too. Why not make a David Letterman vase in the foyer, or a Snooki bucket to store junk mail. It’s a thought.
  • One container. Should be slightly larger than the face of the mask. Here I used a square shaped kitty-litter box because, not only do I like the shape, I like that it will sit nicely in a bookshelf, making the finished product look like a traditional bust. A traditional bust with hidden storage, no less. Did you say hidden storage?!?!
  • Paste Mixture. Any paper mache mix will do the job, but I like to mix 1 part white glue, 1 part Mod Podge, 2 parts water. You decide for yourself. 
  • Tape. Masking tape works fine, duct tape works better.
  • Filler. I like to use the plastic bags from the grocery store and junk mail. Whatever you have around the house will work fine.
  • Fibrous Paper strips. Torn up newsprint, paper napkins and coffee filters.
  • Gesso. Not paint. Not glue. Gesso. I’m a fan of Blick brand Master gesso, but that’s just me. A lot people skip the gesso step on art projects —Mucho Mistake Muchacho! Usually I urge people to work with whatever they have around, but gesso is not to be skipped. I am confident you will be happier with the end result if you use gesso. You can find a bottle at any art or craft store for less than $5. It’s what painters use to prepare their canvas…like a combination of paint/primer/glue/liquid starch that simultaneously smooths and stiffens any surface. Try it. You’ll like it!
  • Gloss finish. Polyurethane or mod podge will do the trick.

 1. Line up your mask and container to make sure they are proportionate. You will never like end product if you aren’t happy with the foundational balance. That goes for stuff outside art projects 🙂
2. Tape that sucker on. Use as much tape as you want. The thicker the better.
3. Plug gaps with filler materials. Tin foil is great for spots where you want to keep a smooth surface.
4. Smooth out the edges by covering any detailed patches (like around the eyes) with more tape.

5. Prepare paste mixture. Tip from Grandnanna: save cleanup time by lining a bowl with a plastic bag. No one likes cleaning glue. Not even Grandnanna. And she likes cleaning everything.
6. Cut paper strips into strips. I like mine about 2″ wide, but don’t sweat it. Dip them in the paste mixture and smooth over the base, criss-crossing as you work. For the first layer, I always try to use a few coffee filters around places where container-meets-mask. The filters are made of such strong fibers that they really help strengthen the joints.
7. Once your first layer of paper is down, let it dry, then go back and do a second coat. Embrace texture!
8. Once it is COMPLETELY DRY, cover with 2 coast of gesso.
9. (not pictured) After the gesso is dry, spray with glossy polyurethane or coat with mod podge. The final coat is what will really help give it the ceramic look, so take your time and don’t skimp!

Not a bad way to make use of that old Halloween mask, huh?
Happy Fall Y’all!



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Friday Flowers: Riboon Rose Rehersal Bouquet

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Excessive alliteration – it’s a good thing.

Confession: I haven’t thrown out a ribbon out since 1988. 

Y’all, I’m not even kidding. It’s nuts. We are talking eleventy hundred random ribbon scraps stuffed in drawers and boxes and hanging from hooks in the wall of my dining room. It’s not like they are especially impressive in quality, I just can’t bare the thought of throwing them out. The hoarding obsession started the first time I saw the ‘evil ribbon peddler’ scene from Faerie Tale Theater’s Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs, produced and hosted by the fabulously peculiar Shelley Duvall.

What ever happened to Shelley Duvall anyway?

I heart Shelley Duvall.

She’s got those crazy eyes.

The eyes of a fellow ribbon hoarder.

I can tell.

OK, enough about Shelly and her crazy ribbon hoarder eyes….So, tradition dictates that the Maid of Honor collects ribbons from wedding gifts at the Bridal shower. This was right up my alley. Usually people tie them to a paper plate to be worn as a hat, or a bouquet to be used at the wedding rehearsal. Try as I might, BFF did not go for the hat. Poo on her! That hat would have been Hello Dolly! awesome.

Most of the bouquets I have seen are just pinned/stapled randomly and come out looking great, but I wanted something sturdy. Something that would last. A memento she could add to her children’s dress-up cupboard down the road, or to stick in a vase in the hall bathroom. Nothing too precious, just sturdy with the silhouette of a traditional bridal bouquet.

Enter ribbon roses!

Instructions.
These are so easy, I feel stupid posting a tutorial but the results are really satisfying. I have been collecting wire edge Xmas ribbon for years in hopes of one day collecting enough to cover an entire tree with these ribbon roses. It’s a lofty goal, but I’ll get there one day. These babies are fast!

PS: If you are working with ribbons without a wire edge, make a simple running stitch instead)

1. Throw a Bridal Shower and collect the ribbons. All of them. Even the plastic purple ones. Make cat toys out of the not-so-pretty ones.
2. Pull the wire out (demonstrated on a 21″ length of ribbon, but you get the drift.)
3. Keep pulling until it gets all rumpled up.
4. Wrap the wire around the end of the ribbon forming a stub.
5. Swirl the ribbon around like a cinnamon bun.
6. Pull the two stubby ends together and wrap with a pipe cleaner. The pipe cleaner will keep the shape pretty well, but if you are worried about long term use, reinforce with a safety pin or a dab of glue.
7. And there is your rose!
8. Repeat on all the ribbons and pull them together into a dense cluster. Dangle some longer green ribbons on the bottom if you like.
9. Give it to the bride and be prepared to sing She’s Getting Married in the Morning allllllll night long!